Greetings Idol Fans!

Being the omnipotent commerical whore that it is, Idol rents out about 30 seconds for a Horton skit in the intro and 2 minutes for some Jim Carey in an elephant suit antics.

OMG HERE IT COMES! They’re lining up…it’s the Top 12 Ensemble performance!! <insert Woo Hoo here> They Six Flags all over some Beatles songs. This is so lame people. I mean Paul is already going through a pretty nasty divorce and having half of his $ 1billion dollar ass handed to him, do we really need to spit in his Earl Grey? Help, I Need Somebody to end this group song.

Sanjaya’s in the audience tonight…guess they needed to bring the talent quotient down about 10 points.

After the break and the mandatory recap, Ryan draws the attention to the kids on the Idol couches awaiting their fates.

Carly, Michael, Jason and Syesha stand up on the back row and one by one he sits them down. Except Syesha. Girl you’re fabulous in your Ford commericals but tonight… you are so “Bottom 3″

(IdolBlather would like to take a moment to welcome back the infamous phrase “Bottom 3.” I am now in my 7 year of petitioning Merriam Webster to recognize it as a legitmate adjective. As in”Girl, you are so “bottom 3.” KEEP THE DREAM ALIVE!)

It wouldn’t be the Idol without it. It probably would be a better Idol without it, but alas, it keeps the show free. Yep, it’s the Ford Commercial and yep, it’s bad.

Before the results, we run a reel of the Idol kids at the “Horton Hears A Who” movie premiere. Yeah, another plug. I know there’s Seuss rhyme in there somewhere.

I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like the Idol Kid Jams. I do not like all the shameless plugs and promos and ads, those network slugs! My Idol should be fun and as for commercials, be only be a few. Instead I’m bombarded with Horton Hears A Who!

Chikezie, Amanda, Kristy and David C are next to stand. Ryan shows Chikezie some more man love and sits him down. Amanda and David are the next to the safety of another week. Kristy is not so lucky and neither are we, because we have to hear her Hee Haw on acid cover of 8 Days Of Week again. Yep, she is SOOOOOO “Bottom 3.”

After the break and a chance to recover from Grand Ole Awful, Idol tries something new to waste more primetime. Ryan takes phone questions from viewers for the Idolettes and Judges. It’s about all I could have hoped for… which is a waste of about 3 minutes of my life. I now realize why I love the fast forward button on my DVR so much.

Time for a musical interlude… starring former Idol star Katherine McPhee. She takes the stage in a dress that I can only describe as a Mariah Carey School for Call Girls uniform. Spitzer would pay good money for her, so I guess it works. She saps all over “Something In The Way She(He) Moves” with David Foster who looks like a angry drunken wedding piano player.

There’s another plug for Horton Hears a Who again, and a self indulgent moment for Jim Carey. I need to call Dr Seuss and see what rhymes with blatant self promotion.

Ryan calls David A, Brooke, David H and Ramiele to centerstage. He starts with the little guy and sends David A and then Brooke back to the couch. Davide H and Ramiele are left hanging for another 30 seconds before Ryan sends Ramiele back to the couch. David H is the first guy to be so “Bottom 3.”

After David’s song and a opportune commercial break, we send one of the losers, uh I mean contestants back to the couch and safety of another week of America’s love. Syesha can breath again, she’s safe. David and Kristy are left and Ryan hands David his walking papers.

So farewell fair David. Idol just wasn’t your thing. You once had dreams of being the King of Idol, unfortunately America just saw you as a Queen of Denial. Ah but fear not my young ‘mo, who knows, one day I bet you’ll be a best Cher impersonator this side of Lucky Changs.

Peace, Love and You Know What I Mean,

Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

Ryan starts the show with some riveting conversation with the judges. And by riveting I really mean comatose. Ryan makes fun of the weird TV antenna hand gesture Simon does. Everyone gets a chuckle and a shot from a defibrillator just to wake them back up.

Oh goodie…it’s Idol ensemble time!! OK I think even the producers knew how bad it was going to be. I think they actually kept forgetting to turn the mikes on when the little darlings had their one stanza solos. And to top it off then even cut them off early at the end of the song. Hilarious.

One of the guys will be the first to go tonight. Ryan goes through the rewind reel. Of course you don’t need it, because you read my blog. Anyway, lights are dimmed and Ryan makes the back row of Jason Y, Danny, Chikezie, Jason C and Michael stand up. My spidey-senses tell me the first guy at the end of the row near the steps is there for a reason. So Ryan pardons Michael, Chikezie and Jason and leaves Danny and Jason Y near the stairs to hear their fates. Sure enough the skunked striped Jason is the next to be cast back in anonymity.

After the break, the girls are sitting pretty on the couch. Ryan again goes through the rewind reel. And of course, again, you don’t need it, because you read my blog. Ryan pulls the same back row schtick with Kristy, Amanda, Alexandrea, Brooke and Asia’h. Kristy, Asia’h and Brooke are safe…uh DUH. So the 2 girls that I called to go are left standing, which means that I’m only going to be 1 for 2 on the girls tonight… dang it. Anyhoo, Alexandrea is the next to leave us. See, no one ever likes a Chicago song.

The girls are still on the couch, and it’s the front row’s turn at the guillotine. One by one, Carly, Remiele and Syesha are safe. This leaves Romy and Michele, er, I mean, Alaina and Kady to face the music. OMG I didn’t realize how interchangeable they were! Right down to the codfish personalities. Well American made up their mind and picked Alaina to go home. She bawls on national television, visibly shocked that for the first time in her life, she didn’t get what she wanted just by looking cute. Boo Hoo.  Her stage mom looked really miffed too.  I love it.

Idol News….. <insert typewriter sound here> Big news people!! Because the Top 12 will be the best Top 12 ever (because Ryan says so) on March 11, American Idol will reveal a brand new stage, new opening graphics and a new exit song by Idol’s own Reuben Studdard. Oh and Idol Gives Back is back on 4/9. It raised $79 million last year. Props to Idol for actually doing some good with it’s sensationalism. But it gets better. After 6 years of begging, Idol producers finally have the rights to the Beatles songbook. I find that a bit scary… do I really need to hear Danny Noriega butcher “Can’t Buy Me Love?”

OK, we’re running out of time people! We have no time for drawn-out pseudo anticipation! We need Luke and Robbie center-stage! Wham, Robbie’s going home. Guess other people in America never really believed the whole rocker thing either.

So that’s it people. Obscurity is a dish best served in plates of 4 and tonight we passed out 4 heaping steaming piles of it.

Next week 4 more go!

Peace, Love & Good Song Choice,
Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

It’s Axe Time People!! Woo Hoo. Finally the chance to see all our speed dial training put to good use. I have to say, I’m very excited.

But first a cheesy reel that looks like a promo for Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, The Hills, Laguna Beach, blah blah blah. Is this a singing show or MTV teen crap?

Wait… OMG… could it be… I see Idols lining up… I hear an intro… I think it is… IT IS! IT IS!! It’s the first ensemble performance of the season!!! And Oh My God, is it terrible. Seriously it was like a clip from “When Six Flags Performances Attack.”

After the 4 minute commercial break to recover from the group performance, the guys are up first on the chopping block. We do the necessary rewind of the show highlights (although if Ryan read my blog, he wouldn’t need the reel)

Ryan makes it seem random, and calls Garrett Haley up on stage with him. He asks him a couple of questions and then WHAM!!! Axe falls. Garrett is leaving. He’s sings his song again. That was quick. No time for nice. There are commercials to be aired.

After the break it’s the ladies turn. Ryan chats with sweet little Kristy Lee Cook, but she can rest her sweet head, she’s safe. It’s Amy Davis who takes the first one for the girls. She performs her song again and proves why she’s going home.

Well, we’ve smashed the dreams of two young hopefuls so now is the perfect time to inflate the ego’s of a couple of old timers. It’s the debut of feature Randy. It’s got a beat, I can dance to it, I give it a 9. Well, I give the 10 synthesizers her vocals been filtered through a 9.

Amanda and Joanne are called to center-stage. Ryan says everyone on the couch is safe. We have to wait for the break to find out Joanne Borgella is the second lady leaving us tonight

One of the guys will be the last leaving the gang. Ryan calls Chicezie and Colton to center-stage. Ryan slips in an age dig at Simon before telling Colton that he’s the final Idol going home tonight.

So that’s week 1 and we’re down to 20. I’ve gotta throw props to the first 4 to go. That’s the toughest place to be. To get through all the crowds, fight the hundreds for attention during Hollywood week, make it up and down the elevator in one piece just to come back for one week before having your hopes dashed. The only consolation we can offer you, sweet Garrett, pretty Amy, stunning Joanne, bashful Colton… is that obscurity will come swift, painless and easy. Last one out, shut the lights off when you go.

Peace, Love and Video Debuts,
Kristi