Greetings Idol Fans!

It’s Axe Wednesday and Ryan and his pretty faux hawk are back to squash the dream of another Idol darling harder than Mariahs nuggets in a tube top.

We waste no time and launch right into the theme park segment of the show with the ensemble number. The kids give their best inspirational cheese on “One Sweet Day.” Everybody do the Mariah Gospel Hand!

Ryan goes through the Performances recap. Yeah we got that… we already ready my last recap… So let’s bring the kids out one by one.

Jason Castro – You have a thing for white shoes before Labor Day, that frankly I just don’t understand. Ryan sends you to the right but not to the safe couches…it’s more of an Idol purgatory.

David Cook - Ryan tries to get you talk about your brother who’s battling cancer and the reason you teared up last night, but you’ve already taken the course “How Not To Cry Even if Barbara Walters Interviews You For Celebrities” at Hollywood Community College. Thwarted, Ryan sends you to the left into yet another pod of Idol Purgatory.

Carly Smithson - You’re trying a new prep school matron look that I can respect. However the huge tatty sleeve you’re sporting just makes you look like a pin up in the Harley Davidson Naughty School Girl Calendar. You go stage left with Jason.

Kristy Lee Cook - You called Simon a butt. I think it’s the first thing that’s come out of your mouth that I actually enjoyed. Don’t let it happen again. Go join David on the left.

Oh I’ve been waiting for this for 30 minutes. It’s Ford Commercial time! The kids cover “I Want To Break Free” by Queen and do a very weird office cube puppet thing. Oh that is so 2000 people…uh, N’Sync did that their video for “Bye Bye Bye.” And uh, yes I know my N’Sync videos, I accept my boy band addiction!

Former Idol contestant from Season 5, Elliot Yamin takes the stage to perform “Free.” Who knew a tiny white guy could have that much soul. At the end of the performance, he raises his hand to show a handwritten “WE MISS YOU MOM” in honor of his mom who passed away earlier this month. It’s a good moment.

Back to the results,

Syesha Mercado – I don’t know what exactly is going on with your hair tonight. It’s half girl ‘fro, half limp Mohawk. Did Sanjaya mug you backstage? It gonna be alright now, you go join Jason and Carly on the right.

Brooke White – You start the waterworks if you lose an eyelash and don’t make a wish. Grab a Kleenex and join David and Kristy in the left group.

Back from the break, it’s time for the weekly “Suck the time and life right out of me Q/A” segment. I try to pay attention but all I hear is Kristy and a horse and if David Cook is single. Sounds perverted… almost makes me wish I paid attention… almost.

This week’s mentor takes stage next. Mariah enters the stage in a what I can only describe as a black lycra sausage casing. Seriously, not much more Mimi could actually fit into that dress! In fact it looks like girls are about to pop out of the sides. Whatever you do Mariah… don’t sneeze! She’s sings one of her new songs that sounds like she’s half singing half whisper rambling. It’s not a song, it’s a conversation to track beat. Buh Bye, Buh Bye, Buh Bye… Can’t you just sing that Christmas song? At least I know that has a real melody.

After the break, the stage is set like this… on the left we have David Cook, Kristy Lee Cook, and Brooke White. On the right we have Syesha Mercado, Carly Smithson and Jason Castro. Ryan calls David Archuleta to the stage.

David Archuleta - I wish you would tell me when Members Only Jacket came back in. You’ve got a week to let me know because you’re safe.

Ryan makes David Cook and Syesha switch groups and then he asks David Archuleta to stand with the group he thinks is safe. David sits in the middle of stage… I’m not sure if he’s just trying to be PC, or if that request was just too much for his little unassuming brain to process. Ryan gives him a few hints before just sending the group of David Cook, Jason and Carly to center-stage to pick the little gomer up. They’re all safe. Which means Syesha, Kristy and Brooke… you are so “Bottom 3.”

After the break, Ryan pardons Syesha and leaves Brooke and Kristy center-stage. The judges ramble a bit and then Ryan lets the Idol axe fall. And tonight… Kristy is leaving us. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! <insert funky elimination dance here> OK I know that’s mean, but if I wanted to spend my Tuesday nights listening to mediocre karaoke I’d go to Sing Sing Karaoke Bar in the East Village.

So fare-the-well, fair Kristy Lee. You lost your best horse and your dreams of stardom. You and the Idol Producers all thought this was your time to shine. Oh fair Kristy… let’s be honest , the two record labels that dropped your blonde ass can’t be wrong.

Peace, Love & Iron Clad Record Deals,

Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!!

After a week of traveling about the country and a bout with bronchitis, I’m back to give the Idol kids hell. However, with the departure of Michael Johns last week, I may be too ecstatic to be mean. No wait, Kristy Lee Cook is still on…I think I got a little mean left in me.

OK so Idol got rid of the guest judges, but just can’t seem to let go of the whole mentor thing. I guess there are too many artists with albums and products to hock. Anyway, tonight’s mentor is none other than butterfly clad Mariah Carey. She’s finally fully recovered from her Glitter debacle and newly svelte, just in time to sell her new album, “E=MC2.”

On with the show!

David Archuleta

The short stack packed his little unassuming self into a pair of leather pants and covers “When You Believe.” OK, David wearing leather pants is about as natural as Simon wearing a turtleneck, Paula being sober and Randy not dropping names. The judges liked his performance but I just fell asleep and had nightmares about Bilbo Baggins in an S&M outfit.

Carly Smithson

Carly finally embraces her diva-dom with a purple frock cut “down to there” and comes out belting on “I Can’t Live.” The judges of course do the inevitable comparison. But dude, you made her sing a Mariah song. None-the-less, I think Idol can’t live with her another week.

Syesha Mercado

Looking like a gold lame siren on “Vanishing.” OK I knew the girl could sing, but where the heck did those pipes come from. That run in the middle went on for miles! The judges again compare her performance to Mariah. Hello? You made her sing Mariah. She didn’t have a choice.

Brooke White

Missed her sister’s wedding. She covers “Hero” in a singer/songwriter smokey lounge way. I kind of wish she’d left the piano back stage on this one. I think it got in the way of her vocals. The judges compare her performance to Mariah. (Anyone noticing a pattern?) But people, you made her sing Mariah!

Kristy Lee Cook

The annoying girl next door, does her best Nashville twang on “Forever” OMG, the judge actually don’t compare her to Mariah! Maybe because it was such bad karaoke that there really was no comparison. Paula rambles on about legacy and both kinds of music… country and western.

David Cook

He does the whole rocker cover of “Always Be My Baby”and makes it sound like a stalker theme song. Does anyone notice that he sort of sounds like that lead singer of Hootie & The Blowfish? Randy liked it because he gave him the first Randy Standing O of the season. Paula and Simon felt the love too. So much that it made the budding rockstar tear up. Well either that or the blood pressure meds are wreaking havoc on his hormones.

Jason Castro

The locked one finishes up the show with a beatnik/tribal fusion on “I Don’t Want To Cry.” It was original and definitely worthy of one of those off-brand compilations of smooth jazz CDs that you find at a street fairs. You know like “Muzak Presents: Smokey Jams.”

And the Top 7 have once again placed their fates in our hands. Don’t you just love redial? So which Idol will be America’s “Dream Lover” and who will say farewell “One Sweet Day?” Tune in tomorrow night and find out!!

Peace, Love & 5 Octives,
Kristi

Greeting Idol Fans!

I could go into a big long fancy, witty intro paragraph, but since Ryan wasted no time with intros, neither shall I.

So without further adieu, the kids launch right into the Group song. OH we all knew it was coming. we knew it weeks ago when they announced Dolly Parton was scheduled to appear. You hear it in your head… that lone piano note…

dum dum dum dum dumdum dum dum….EVERYBODY TOGETHER!

“WORKING 9 to 5! What a way to make a livin!”

Oh yeah, you know you’re singing along. I’m actually surprised they didn’t bust out a sappy version of “Islands In the Stream” But come to think of it… I think that was done a couple of season ago and with equally hokie results.
On with the results. Ryan recaps the performance. I still think we’re funnier here at IdolBlather. But that’s neither here nor there. Ryan then begins the cattle call.

Michael Johns – You’re the first to the stage in your snazzy Dolly t-shirt and the first to be safe.

David Archuletta – Little dude, America is taken by your garden gnome good looks and LiteFM vocal stylings. You’re safe again.

Carly Smithson- Simon hates your fashion sense but it seems like enough fans love your voice. You and your skin tight jeans can head over to the couch.

Well, I’m beginning to develop a fear the first commercial break of the show. Would it be Ad-aphobia? Commerciaphobia? Whatever it’s called, it always seems to bring the dreaded Q&A time on Idol. I tend to zone out here or get up to get a drink (even with DVR) so I luckily miss the banter crap.

So I’m rehydrated from my Snapple and it’s time for a musical interlude. The Clark Brothers won American Greatest Band. I have absolutely NO idea why. They were like a dreadful morph of Ricky Skaggs and Fuel. Who knew you could “rock out” on a Mandolin?

They say bad things happen in threes. OK so we had the Q&A crap… the Clark Brothers… so that only leaves the Ford Commercial. Yep there it is. Must.. fight… urge… to buy… an Edge…

Back to the results.

David Cook – you had some trouble with your BP, but seems like America’s heart still beats for you. You’re Safe.

Ramiele Mulabay – You sweet little lychee, you got excited because you actually walked and sang at the same time last night… stellar. There’s no singing tonight, but you are walking over to the Bottom 3.

Kristy Lee Cook – Oh my gawd are you psychic? It’s like you knew you were going to be heading to the bedpan stools. Kristy, you are soooooo Bottom 3. YAY!! I got to say it. All is right with the world again.

After the break, we take an unexplainable trip to Nashville. We catch up with some former Idol stars…Bucky….Phil Stacey and Bo. Ryan mentioned something about seeing them again soon but I have no idea why.

Syesha Mercado – Given that there’s still 2 Idols left back stage, your odds of safety are pretty good. And they are indeed.

Brooke White and Jason Castro are the last 2 and….. the last Idol Kid in the Bottom 3 is Jas—- BROOKE!?!!? OK I am soooo not hearing what the whackados that voting hear. She’s been the Idol sweetheart for weeks and now she get a low number of votes? Wow America turns so quickly.

Well we have like 10 minutes left of prime time ad space so we won’t rip the band-aid off just yet Ramiele, Kristy and Brooke. You sit back and wallow in your Bottom 3-ness while we take another video trip into Idol Gives Back.

After IGB (Yes, I actually gave it an acronym,) the one and only Dolly Parton takes the stage to sing her new song “Jesus and Gravity” from her album. I know she’s a living legend and all, but holy crap is this bad. I’m all about shooting props to the 60 year old still performing, but maybe she ought to stick to the stuff she knows and is known for.Ok so it’s the final axe time. Brooke is already a ball of sob and rambles on about pouring souls into the show, and Idol Gives Back and how Dolly sang about Jesus and wah wah wah. Cripes. Ryan mercifully send her back to the couch of safety before she too full of snot.

And finally, probably less out of mercy and more out of the fact they were running out of time, Ryan delivers the news quickly, that Ramiele will be the one leaving us tonight.

So goodbye Tiny Malubay. You showed us that a giant voice could come from a little package. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to capture a giant piece of America’s heart. Well that, and you weren’t an plant. So good luck Ramiele. I know you will indeed cross my and thousands of fans minds, if even for a brief moment, each time we pour soy sauce on our tempura.

Peace, Love & really big… Hits,
Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

Unfortunately due to copyright infringement issues, there will be no IdolBlather recap this week….
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APRIL FOOLS!!!!!  Hey if Ryan can do it why can’t I?? 

ON TO THE SHOW!

Tonight’s Idol mentor is Dolly Parton.  The buxom “Backwoods Barbie” gives the kids lots of encouragement and lifetime passes to Dollywood.  Yee Haw Everybody.
Brooke

Our resident folk girl sings”Jolene” about a girl begging another not to take her man.  It wasn’t the best, but I think it was enough for Brooke to keep the man and her fans. I just have one fashion comment for her… Please please please, eat a sandwich!  She looked so thin I think the buttons on her pants were hanging on to her hip bones for dear life!

David C

Ooo, they did his hair better this week!  I think there might be some extensions in there.  It actually looks thicker.  Speaking of thick, he lays the rocker thing on thick for his cover of”Little Sparrow” with acoustic guitar.  Who knew you could take the twang out of Dolly’s hillbilly best?  He rocked it yet again this week.  I think the new ‘do is helping his “IT” quotient.

Ramiele

The tiny little pixie doll  attempts “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind” and shows how completely out of her element she is with the Dolly classic.  She kept it country but unfortunately also kept it Karaoke.  Definitely not going to be crossing anyone’s mind in the votes. I think you can tell the pressure of keeping up with the semi-pros is taking it’s toll.

Jason

The Rasta boy has a stalker chick in Colorado who sends multiple postcards at once.  Sweet.  With his rendition of “Traveling  Man” he yet again reminds me of a hacky sacks, hemp beads and bong water.  But at least this week, he picks up the tempo and the performance.

Carly

Ye Irish Lass  covers “Here You Come Again”  sans the 80’s pop country back beat and place in LiteFM playlist history.  She slows it down to a soulful pace and proves why she had a record deal  in the first place. Oh that’s right,no wonder she sounds so pro… she already was. But I’m not bitter…:D

David A

The baby hobbit covers “Smokey Mountain Miracles.”  OK honestly, does kid know at least ONE up-tempo song?  He is so sappy that if you stuck a tube up his butt, you’d get Maple Syrup.

Kristy

Could she having stepped in it any more?  Country week with Dolly Parton… this girl should be thanking the Idol Gods… or Idol Idols?  Either way, the whole freakin’ song was in her lower register and completely lacked personality and then she suddenly shoves the ending up into her “Big Finish.” The whole thing totally felt disconnected.  She needs to find her shoes and go home to the horse farm.

Syesha

As the only representative of R&B she of course had to pick “I Will Always Love You” by Dolly come Whitney.   Did anyone else get annoyed with the “propped up on the piano, staring into the camera” incessantly crap?  She does her best and shows off her pipes, but unfortunately the comparison to the original might be too much to overcome.

Michael

Ok the dude is wearing an ascot… or in his case, could it be an as(s)cot?  Hee Hee.  He goes all Joe Cocker gospel on “It’s All Wrong, But It’s Alright” and made us all say Amen.  He can leave his hat on.. he’s getting through another week with that.

So that’s our Top 9.  So which Idols will America always love, and who will be saying goodbye to stardom and back to 9 to 5?

Tune in tomorrow to find out!

Peace, Love and Pickin’,
Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

We’ve come to another night of everything we love best about Idol — cheezy commercials, stupid “Get To Know Me” reels with idols, Simon’s chest hair and dashing the dreams of another Idol dreamer.

Just in case any of you Blather readers are budding “Ar-teests” American Idol Songwriters challenge is back this year. There has to be someone out there that can write a better song than that slop “This Is My Now” from last season. “This is My Now and this is my covering my ears.

Hey everybody! It’s Top 10 Ensemble time! <Feign Excitement Here> The kids do their best high school musical moves on “Right Back To Where We Started From.” It reminds me of those traveling shows that used to come to my grade school. Not much value, but a great way to get out of Social Studies.

After the break, Ryan introduces a video just to pimp the whole iTunes thing again. THe video takes us on a deep and (un)interesting look at the kids recording their songs and hocking iPods, Apple computers and iPhones, oh my.

Ok so Ryan does the regular recap of the night’s performances which is by far not as funny as mine, but whatever. He then brings out each Idolette one by one to face the votes.

Chikezie – You went R&B last night but it wasn’t Vandrossy enough…you’re going to the stools.. You’re Bottom 3.

Brooke - You were the perfect dichotomy of sweet innocent folk singer girl and psycho stalker. Your legions of stalkers kept you in another week.

Carly - You have a fondness for ugly tight jeans and evidently for Spanx. America is still fond of you, you’re safe.

Time to break for the Ford Commercial! Nifty little vid for “I Want You To Want Me” I want Ford to stop wanting these damned time wasters. I’ve been watching these things for 7 years and I still don’t want a Focus.

Back to the show!

David A – If we put you in gray shorts and knee socks, you’d look like Eddie Munster. Right now, you look like someone in the Top 9.

David C – You smug, balding so-and-so. Well keep being smug, America loves you and your Chris Cornell boost.

Syesha - You blasted the rafters with “If I were Your Woman” but evidently the fans aren’t sure about you as their woman. You are Bottom 3.

Michael - Being the selfish and egotistical bastard you are, you just had to sing 2 songs in one night. Well American loved both of them, you’re safe.

After the break, it’s that damned questions from the viewers segment again. Honestly, I purposely stay away from the 15 years in the mall, why must I be subjected their prepubescent inquiries?

Kimberly Locke is up after the break. We learn a little bit about the former Idol star. Like every good singing artist she focuses her talents on a restaurant. Justin did it, Britney did it, JLo did it so obviously pop stars are great culinary talents too. Well who ever she’s got cooking for her, it’s working. She looks great and sounds amazing on her new single, “Fall” in stores (and on the IdolBlather Music Store) now.

More results!

Ramiele - You sort of look like a Bratz Doll hooker tonight but it doesn’t matter, the country still loves you.

Jason and Kristy - You’re the last two Idols to head center-stage. Jason, you did your folk singer thang and batted those 2 big baby blues. Kristy, you went all Miss Teen Patriotic American Pageant with your karaoke cover. The last in our Bottom 3 is… Jason??

WHAT!?!??!?!!!!?!? I’m sorry does that Kristy girl have a pocket full of Get Out Of Jail Free cards or just a really good agent with deep pockets? How does she avoid the Bottom 3 with THAT performance. Idol gives me no joy if I can’t utter the phrase “Kristy, you are sooooo Bottom 3!” Cripes.

So our Bottom 3 this week are, to the amazement of yours truly, Chikezie, Syesha and Jason. Ryan quickly interviews Jason about being in the Bottom 3 and then quickly cuts the dread-locked toker when he starts to ramble by sending him back to the couch safe another week.

Unfortunately, Chikezie couldn’t win the love of enough fans to stick around another week… he’s going home.

Oh dear Chikezie Eze; you dropped your last name in hopes of achieving the success of many of the one named stars out there, Cher, Madonna, Seal, Sting and Weird Al (I know that’s 2 words, but the first is an adjective and doesn’t count) Anyhoo, fear not young Eze, with your talent, and Ryan’s Man Love, you’re bound to go far in Hollywood. And if not, I’m sure there’s always room for a country/R&B brother in Branson. Cowboy Troy, move over!

Peace, Love & Adoring Fans,
Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

We said farewell to Amanda last week leaving her to clean out bedpans again and us with our Top 10. Yep these kids will be coming soon to an arena near you.

Tonights theme is the year they were born. What a theme.. that’s basically like saying here’s a years worth of music, 1000’s of songs, and pick one. Oooo what a challenge! <insert Eye Roll here>

Ramiele was born in 1987. Ugh, I have a “RELAX” t-shirt older than her. She sings “Alone ” by Heart. Yeah the same song Carly rocked it out on in the semis. Ramiele’s been accused of not having much stage personality. I think she’s mistaken screaming for having stage presence. She’s got a big voice, but she’s got to learn to control it.

Jason was born in 1987 too and today is his birthday. I think he has dreads older than my “RELAX” t-shirt. He does his reliable “Guy, Guitar” routine on “Fragile” by Sting which is nice, but pretty safe. We get the Venice Beach homeless thing, it’s time to move on.

Syesha rounds out the trifecta of Idolettes born in 1987. She takes on “If I Were Your Woman” made famous by Gladys Knight and remade by Stephanie Mills. Her awesome girl fro is back and so is her voice. She rocked it.

Chikezie makes me feel less old by being born in 1985. Finally, he embraces his inner Vandross on “If Only For One Night.” Unfortunately the judges weren’t embracing his performance. But I think that’s just because they had to save their love for the other brats they’re pimping out.

Brooke was born in 1983 practically with a piano in her hand. Thankfully for her mom , she wasn’t but thankfully for us, she picked it up soon after. She tries to take the stalker out of “Every Breath You Take” and is good enough to probably get a few of her own.

Michael was born in 1978 and holds the honor of being the ONLY Idol hopeful born in different decade. He does a combo of “We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions” by Queen. He’s not happy singing one song, so he has to butcher two Queen songs. The judges love it. I can only believe that Paula slipped Randy and Simon some of her happy pills and they ended up temporarily deaf.

Carly takes on the hit “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” from her birth year of 1983. She comes out in a Star Trek inspired mini dress looking a bit apprehensive. The song was OK, but then she did this weird screaming run at the end with a move that looked like she popped a squat right on stage. It was just awkward.

David A again makes me realize my fleeting youth by letting us know he was just born last decade in 1990. Somebody pass me the anti-wrinkle eye cream and the Geritol. Good Lord, he’s going all socially conscious again on “You’re The Voice” by John Farnham. The way all the tweenies are screaming I think he might be the 4th Jonas Brother.

Kristy was born in 1984. The book says its the year supposedly of Big Brother, totalitarianism and torture. Speaking of torture, she sings “God Bless The USA” By Lee Greenwood. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Is she auditioning for the Democratic or Republican conventions this year? There is video on YouTube of her singing this song at some bad convention in a bad silver sequined pageant dress. Wanna see? Dude, I’m all “Go USA” too but this is so lame, it might border on treason.

David C, born in 1982, is the 2nd eldest of the Idol Kids. I can’t really say David covers “Billy Jean” by Michael Jackson because there’s really no resemblance to the original song. He basically goes all Emo all over Billy Jeans ass. He takes it down to an dark, gritty rock club and blows the crap out of it. I will continue to make fun of his big head and/or a receding hair line to the very end, but I have to give him props. This guy is a star.

The big talents really stepped up tonight and the talentless proved it again. My picks for Bottom 3 this week are Kristy (DUH!) Chikezie and Carly. And God willing (taking time from blessing the USA of course) Kristy will leave us tomorrow night!

Tune in tomorrow, Idol Fans when we dash the hopes of our next Idol loser!

Peace, Love & Good Song Choice,
Kristi