Greetings Idol Fans!

We made it people!!  We’ve lasted through another season of auditions and elimination rounds and really really bad Ford commercials.  And it’s still official, I still have no desire to buy a Focus.  But I do have a desire to find out who our Idol is!  On with the show!

Idol Fashion Fix:  Dude, Ryan is sporting some serious guyliner.  I’m surprised he didn’t finish the look off with some mangloss.  Randy has donned a very snazzy Captain Kangaroo blazer.  Now what would have completed the look is Simon in a pair of green jeans.  

Also as predicted in Idol fashion, the Top 12 take the stage for their ensemble number dressed completely in white.  I wonder if they are preparing the contestants for careers as Good Humor Ice Cream scoopers?  The kids from the other Fox hit “So You Think You Can Dance” join the Idolettes for “Get Ready.”  Honestly I rather watch them… have you seen some of these kids dance?   They can jete all over Achuletta’s ass.

After the break Cooksey takes the stage singing “Hero” by Chad Kroeger.  Archuletta follows laying down some decent backup vocals.  Yeah I think that’s where I like him… in the background.

Not to forsake their commercial whoring, Idol promotes the new Mike Myers movie, The Love Guru.  The Davids not only get to see the movie, they even meet the Guru Pitka himself.  “The Guru” even makes a visit to the Idol stage.  Mike Myers does his best Mike Myers material and proves that sometimes, even recycled jokes can be funny.

After Ryan almost runs off the stage on the electric prayer pillow, Syesha takes the stage.  She performs  “Waiting For You” with Seal.  I think Heidi’s husband decided what key to sing in because Syesha sounded like she was having a little trouble.

Back from commercial, we are then treated to the off-key warblings of Jason Castro. He does his cover of “Hallelujah” from the Semi Final round.  I’ve never seen the dreadhead put so much effort in performing.  It makes me wonder if the Idol producers hid the kid’s stash before the show and held it for ransom.

The girls take the stage in all decked in red (I’m noticing a color block theme this evening) for a Donna Summer homage.  Just when I had enough Donna Summer covers… there appears Donna Summer centerstage.  She performs her new single, which just sounds like another 70’s song that she forgot to release.  But then she redeems herself… she whips out one of the greatest songs of all time (Says me, it’s my favorite Karaoke song) “Last Dance.”  OK, I still love Donna.

Carly Smithson and Michael Johns perform a duet on “The Letter.”  You know, after hearing him sing again, I realize that he’s really not that good.  Carly basically just out sang the leather lapelled tweed jacket off the Aussie.

Jimmy Kimmel is up next to do some Idol stand-up.  He’s so much funnier than his girlfriend, Sarah Silverman.  Although that’s not hard to do.  But that’s a whole other blog rant I might have to go on in the off season.

The guys are up next for their musical number.  it’s starts with a Bryan Adams song so I wonder if the guys ensemb’ will end with yet another celebrity appearance.  Yep there he is… Canada’s answer to John Mellencamp – Bryan Adams.  He must have a new song to promote too.   (on the BMG label, no doubt.)  Yeah, still not a Bryan fan.

David Cook takes the stage with ZZ Top on their 80’s hit “Sharp Dressed Man.”  I feel like both David and the ZZ’s are way bored of this song half way through.  I have to agree with them.

Brooke White got to sing “Teach Your Children Well” with Gram Nash.  The audio team didn’t do something right because she was singing the harmonies too loud. I wasn’t sure if Gram was even singing half the time.  They both weren’t wearing shoes so obviously there is some hippie code going on there.

Did anyone take note of the Guitar Hero commercial starring David Cook?  It was a parody of the scene in “Risky Business” and it was hilarious.  Tom Cruise may have done it first but David Cook did it funnier.   If I didn’t love my Rock Band so much I might have considered getting Guitar Hero just for this commercial.

The Jonas Brothers are on stage next.  That’s all I’m going to say about that…. OK one more thing what’s with the uni-brow on all 3 of them?  OK now I’m done.

Ah, a walk down memory lane is up next with a little footage of the Bad and the Ugly.  And then…. he was there.. adorned in his white feathers and silver lame…and accompanied by the USC marching band.  Renaldo Lapuz and “I Am Your Brother.”  Renaldo, you are our brother and our conversation tomorrow at the watercooler.

It’s time for another band to hock their wares.  One Republic sings their hit single, “Apologize.”   It’s so Yanni meets Daniel Powter inbred with Coldplay.  And then it get worse… Archie walks on stage to sing the second verse.  If I was the guy from One Republic and this was my one hit wonder, I don’t know I’d give half of it to Achuletta and then try to out sing him.

The current American Idol Jordan Sparks is back to sing her new song”One Day At A Time.” It’s alright.  Nothing stellar.   Now, I love Jordan, but what is up with the Gold Lame 1950’s housewife frock?  It’s like Mrs Cleaver meets Showgirls.

Ok the Gladys Knight spoof with Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr was hilarious.  That’s going to be a web video classic.

Carrie Underwood rocks the joint with a little twang on her new single “Last Name.”  Huge voice, hot as hell and legs that go for miles….HATE HER!!!

Ok I take back the whole I might buy a Guitar Hero because of the David Cook commercial.  They just aired it with David Archuletta.  Yeah I’m sticking to Rock Band, dang it.

Note to everyone… this is the longest Idol Recap I have ever had to write and we still have 20 minutes!!!  Hang in fans!

One last time for America, it’s our Top 12.  The girls start first with a little “Faith” from George Michael.  The guys come out next looking like Men In Black rejects on another GM song, “Father Figure.”  And then the kids launch into “Freedom” from GM.  OK so at this point, you know he has to be near.  And then… WHAM!  George descends the stairs for his new single.  I absolutely love George, but I have to question the old Jewish man from Boca eye-wear.   His song is slow and sad. It’s more of a Idol Gives Back moment, instead of a finale.  Way to bring down the Idol celebration George.

We’re finally here.  The Davids stand center stage each with massive amounts of guyliner.  The judges get to ramble one last time.  Some British guys comes out to validate the results and then the lights go down.

Our new American Idol is…  DAVID COOK!!!!  YYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! All is right in the world once again!  Awe, DC starts to cry… no don’t smear the guyliner dude!! After a bit of shock and awe, David now has to begin his duties as Idol and sing the corny Idol single, “This is The Time Of My Life.” Ain’t commercialism a b!tch?

So there you have it  Idol Fans.  Season 7 has come and gone. We’ve crowned a winner and now have another 11 pseudo-celebrities out to milk their 15 minutes.   But not to fret dear Blather readers for come January ‘09 we get to start the process all over again. God Bless Fox and God Bless America.

See you next year, Idol Fans!

Peace, Love & Instant Celebrity,
Kristi

Greeting Idol Fans!

I could go into a big long fancy, witty intro paragraph, but since Ryan wasted no time with intros, neither shall I.

So without further adieu, the kids launch right into the Group song. OH we all knew it was coming. we knew it weeks ago when they announced Dolly Parton was scheduled to appear. You hear it in your head… that lone piano note…

dum dum dum dum dumdum dum dum….EVERYBODY TOGETHER!

“WORKING 9 to 5! What a way to make a livin!”

Oh yeah, you know you’re singing along. I’m actually surprised they didn’t bust out a sappy version of “Islands In the Stream” But come to think of it… I think that was done a couple of season ago and with equally hokie results.
On with the results. Ryan recaps the performance. I still think we’re funnier here at IdolBlather. But that’s neither here nor there. Ryan then begins the cattle call.

Michael Johns – You’re the first to the stage in your snazzy Dolly t-shirt and the first to be safe.

David Archuletta – Little dude, America is taken by your garden gnome good looks and LiteFM vocal stylings. You’re safe again.

Carly Smithson- Simon hates your fashion sense but it seems like enough fans love your voice. You and your skin tight jeans can head over to the couch.

Well, I’m beginning to develop a fear the first commercial break of the show. Would it be Ad-aphobia? Commerciaphobia? Whatever it’s called, it always seems to bring the dreaded Q&A time on Idol. I tend to zone out here or get up to get a drink (even with DVR) so I luckily miss the banter crap.

So I’m rehydrated from my Snapple and it’s time for a musical interlude. The Clark Brothers won American Greatest Band. I have absolutely NO idea why. They were like a dreadful morph of Ricky Skaggs and Fuel. Who knew you could “rock out” on a Mandolin?

They say bad things happen in threes. OK so we had the Q&A crap… the Clark Brothers… so that only leaves the Ford Commercial. Yep there it is. Must.. fight… urge… to buy… an Edge…

Back to the results.

David Cook – you had some trouble with your BP, but seems like America’s heart still beats for you. You’re Safe.

Ramiele Mulabay – You sweet little lychee, you got excited because you actually walked and sang at the same time last night… stellar. There’s no singing tonight, but you are walking over to the Bottom 3.

Kristy Lee Cook – Oh my gawd are you psychic? It’s like you knew you were going to be heading to the bedpan stools. Kristy, you are soooooo Bottom 3. YAY!! I got to say it. All is right with the world again.

After the break, we take an unexplainable trip to Nashville. We catch up with some former Idol stars…Bucky….Phil Stacey and Bo. Ryan mentioned something about seeing them again soon but I have no idea why.

Syesha Mercado – Given that there’s still 2 Idols left back stage, your odds of safety are pretty good. And they are indeed.

Brooke White and Jason Castro are the last 2 and….. the last Idol Kid in the Bottom 3 is Jas—- BROOKE!?!!? OK I am soooo not hearing what the whackados that voting hear. She’s been the Idol sweetheart for weeks and now she get a low number of votes? Wow America turns so quickly.

Well we have like 10 minutes left of prime time ad space so we won’t rip the band-aid off just yet Ramiele, Kristy and Brooke. You sit back and wallow in your Bottom 3-ness while we take another video trip into Idol Gives Back.

After IGB (Yes, I actually gave it an acronym,) the one and only Dolly Parton takes the stage to sing her new song “Jesus and Gravity” from her album. I know she’s a living legend and all, but holy crap is this bad. I’m all about shooting props to the 60 year old still performing, but maybe she ought to stick to the stuff she knows and is known for.Ok so it’s the final axe time. Brooke is already a ball of sob and rambles on about pouring souls into the show, and Idol Gives Back and how Dolly sang about Jesus and wah wah wah. Cripes. Ryan mercifully send her back to the couch of safety before she too full of snot.

And finally, probably less out of mercy and more out of the fact they were running out of time, Ryan delivers the news quickly, that Ramiele will be the one leaving us tonight.

So goodbye Tiny Malubay. You showed us that a giant voice could come from a little package. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to capture a giant piece of America’s heart. Well that, and you weren’t an plant. So good luck Ramiele. I know you will indeed cross my and thousands of fans minds, if even for a brief moment, each time we pour soy sauce on our tempura.

Peace, Love & really big… Hits,
Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

Unfortunately due to copyright infringement issues, there will be no IdolBlather recap this week….
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APRIL FOOLS!!!!!  Hey if Ryan can do it why can’t I?? 

ON TO THE SHOW!

Tonight’s Idol mentor is Dolly Parton.  The buxom “Backwoods Barbie” gives the kids lots of encouragement and lifetime passes to Dollywood.  Yee Haw Everybody.
Brooke

Our resident folk girl sings”Jolene” about a girl begging another not to take her man.  It wasn’t the best, but I think it was enough for Brooke to keep the man and her fans. I just have one fashion comment for her… Please please please, eat a sandwich!  She looked so thin I think the buttons on her pants were hanging on to her hip bones for dear life!

David C

Ooo, they did his hair better this week!  I think there might be some extensions in there.  It actually looks thicker.  Speaking of thick, he lays the rocker thing on thick for his cover of”Little Sparrow” with acoustic guitar.  Who knew you could take the twang out of Dolly’s hillbilly best?  He rocked it yet again this week.  I think the new ‘do is helping his “IT” quotient.

Ramiele

The tiny little pixie doll  attempts “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind” and shows how completely out of her element she is with the Dolly classic.  She kept it country but unfortunately also kept it Karaoke.  Definitely not going to be crossing anyone’s mind in the votes. I think you can tell the pressure of keeping up with the semi-pros is taking it’s toll.

Jason

The Rasta boy has a stalker chick in Colorado who sends multiple postcards at once.  Sweet.  With his rendition of “Traveling  Man” he yet again reminds me of a hacky sacks, hemp beads and bong water.  But at least this week, he picks up the tempo and the performance.

Carly

Ye Irish Lass  covers “Here You Come Again”  sans the 80’s pop country back beat and place in LiteFM playlist history.  She slows it down to a soulful pace and proves why she had a record deal  in the first place. Oh that’s right,no wonder she sounds so pro… she already was. But I’m not bitter…:D

David A

The baby hobbit covers “Smokey Mountain Miracles.”  OK honestly, does kid know at least ONE up-tempo song?  He is so sappy that if you stuck a tube up his butt, you’d get Maple Syrup.

Kristy

Could she having stepped in it any more?  Country week with Dolly Parton… this girl should be thanking the Idol Gods… or Idol Idols?  Either way, the whole freakin’ song was in her lower register and completely lacked personality and then she suddenly shoves the ending up into her “Big Finish.” The whole thing totally felt disconnected.  She needs to find her shoes and go home to the horse farm.

Syesha

As the only representative of R&B she of course had to pick “I Will Always Love You” by Dolly come Whitney.   Did anyone else get annoyed with the “propped up on the piano, staring into the camera” incessantly crap?  She does her best and shows off her pipes, but unfortunately the comparison to the original might be too much to overcome.

Michael

Ok the dude is wearing an ascot… or in his case, could it be an as(s)cot?  Hee Hee.  He goes all Joe Cocker gospel on “It’s All Wrong, But It’s Alright” and made us all say Amen.  He can leave his hat on.. he’s getting through another week with that.

So that’s our Top 9.  So which Idols will America always love, and who will be saying goodbye to stardom and back to 9 to 5?

Tune in tomorrow to find out!

Peace, Love and Pickin’,
Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

We’ve come to another night of everything we love best about Idol — cheezy commercials, stupid “Get To Know Me” reels with idols, Simon’s chest hair and dashing the dreams of another Idol dreamer.

Just in case any of you Blather readers are budding “Ar-teests” American Idol Songwriters challenge is back this year. There has to be someone out there that can write a better song than that slop “This Is My Now” from last season. “This is My Now and this is my covering my ears.

Hey everybody! It’s Top 10 Ensemble time! <Feign Excitement Here> The kids do their best high school musical moves on “Right Back To Where We Started From.” It reminds me of those traveling shows that used to come to my grade school. Not much value, but a great way to get out of Social Studies.

After the break, Ryan introduces a video just to pimp the whole iTunes thing again. THe video takes us on a deep and (un)interesting look at the kids recording their songs and hocking iPods, Apple computers and iPhones, oh my.

Ok so Ryan does the regular recap of the night’s performances which is by far not as funny as mine, but whatever. He then brings out each Idolette one by one to face the votes.

Chikezie – You went R&B last night but it wasn’t Vandrossy enough…you’re going to the stools.. You’re Bottom 3.

Brooke - You were the perfect dichotomy of sweet innocent folk singer girl and psycho stalker. Your legions of stalkers kept you in another week.

Carly - You have a fondness for ugly tight jeans and evidently for Spanx. America is still fond of you, you’re safe.

Time to break for the Ford Commercial! Nifty little vid for “I Want You To Want Me” I want Ford to stop wanting these damned time wasters. I’ve been watching these things for 7 years and I still don’t want a Focus.

Back to the show!

David A – If we put you in gray shorts and knee socks, you’d look like Eddie Munster. Right now, you look like someone in the Top 9.

David C – You smug, balding so-and-so. Well keep being smug, America loves you and your Chris Cornell boost.

Syesha - You blasted the rafters with “If I were Your Woman” but evidently the fans aren’t sure about you as their woman. You are Bottom 3.

Michael - Being the selfish and egotistical bastard you are, you just had to sing 2 songs in one night. Well American loved both of them, you’re safe.

After the break, it’s that damned questions from the viewers segment again. Honestly, I purposely stay away from the 15 years in the mall, why must I be subjected their prepubescent inquiries?

Kimberly Locke is up after the break. We learn a little bit about the former Idol star. Like every good singing artist she focuses her talents on a restaurant. Justin did it, Britney did it, JLo did it so obviously pop stars are great culinary talents too. Well who ever she’s got cooking for her, it’s working. She looks great and sounds amazing on her new single, “Fall” in stores (and on the IdolBlather Music Store) now.

More results!

Ramiele - You sort of look like a Bratz Doll hooker tonight but it doesn’t matter, the country still loves you.

Jason and Kristy - You’re the last two Idols to head center-stage. Jason, you did your folk singer thang and batted those 2 big baby blues. Kristy, you went all Miss Teen Patriotic American Pageant with your karaoke cover. The last in our Bottom 3 is… Jason??

WHAT!?!??!?!!!!?!? I’m sorry does that Kristy girl have a pocket full of Get Out Of Jail Free cards or just a really good agent with deep pockets? How does she avoid the Bottom 3 with THAT performance. Idol gives me no joy if I can’t utter the phrase “Kristy, you are sooooo Bottom 3!” Cripes.

So our Bottom 3 this week are, to the amazement of yours truly, Chikezie, Syesha and Jason. Ryan quickly interviews Jason about being in the Bottom 3 and then quickly cuts the dread-locked toker when he starts to ramble by sending him back to the couch safe another week.

Unfortunately, Chikezie couldn’t win the love of enough fans to stick around another week… he’s going home.

Oh dear Chikezie Eze; you dropped your last name in hopes of achieving the success of many of the one named stars out there, Cher, Madonna, Seal, Sting and Weird Al (I know that’s 2 words, but the first is an adjective and doesn’t count) Anyhoo, fear not young Eze, with your talent, and Ryan’s Man Love, you’re bound to go far in Hollywood. And if not, I’m sure there’s always room for a country/R&B brother in Branson. Cowboy Troy, move over!

Peace, Love & Adoring Fans,
Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

We said farewell to Amanda last week leaving her to clean out bedpans again and us with our Top 10. Yep these kids will be coming soon to an arena near you.

Tonights theme is the year they were born. What a theme.. that’s basically like saying here’s a years worth of music, 1000’s of songs, and pick one. Oooo what a challenge! <insert Eye Roll here>

Ramiele was born in 1987. Ugh, I have a “RELAX” t-shirt older than her. She sings “Alone ” by Heart. Yeah the same song Carly rocked it out on in the semis. Ramiele’s been accused of not having much stage personality. I think she’s mistaken screaming for having stage presence. She’s got a big voice, but she’s got to learn to control it.

Jason was born in 1987 too and today is his birthday. I think he has dreads older than my “RELAX” t-shirt. He does his reliable “Guy, Guitar” routine on “Fragile” by Sting which is nice, but pretty safe. We get the Venice Beach homeless thing, it’s time to move on.

Syesha rounds out the trifecta of Idolettes born in 1987. She takes on “If I Were Your Woman” made famous by Gladys Knight and remade by Stephanie Mills. Her awesome girl fro is back and so is her voice. She rocked it.

Chikezie makes me feel less old by being born in 1985. Finally, he embraces his inner Vandross on “If Only For One Night.” Unfortunately the judges weren’t embracing his performance. But I think that’s just because they had to save their love for the other brats they’re pimping out.

Brooke was born in 1983 practically with a piano in her hand. Thankfully for her mom , she wasn’t but thankfully for us, she picked it up soon after. She tries to take the stalker out of “Every Breath You Take” and is good enough to probably get a few of her own.

Michael was born in 1978 and holds the honor of being the ONLY Idol hopeful born in different decade. He does a combo of “We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions” by Queen. He’s not happy singing one song, so he has to butcher two Queen songs. The judges love it. I can only believe that Paula slipped Randy and Simon some of her happy pills and they ended up temporarily deaf.

Carly takes on the hit “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” from her birth year of 1983. She comes out in a Star Trek inspired mini dress looking a bit apprehensive. The song was OK, but then she did this weird screaming run at the end with a move that looked like she popped a squat right on stage. It was just awkward.

David A again makes me realize my fleeting youth by letting us know he was just born last decade in 1990. Somebody pass me the anti-wrinkle eye cream and the Geritol. Good Lord, he’s going all socially conscious again on “You’re The Voice” by John Farnham. The way all the tweenies are screaming I think he might be the 4th Jonas Brother.

Kristy was born in 1984. The book says its the year supposedly of Big Brother, totalitarianism and torture. Speaking of torture, she sings “God Bless The USA” By Lee Greenwood. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Is she auditioning for the Democratic or Republican conventions this year? There is video on YouTube of her singing this song at some bad convention in a bad silver sequined pageant dress. Wanna see? Dude, I’m all “Go USA” too but this is so lame, it might border on treason.

David C, born in 1982, is the 2nd eldest of the Idol Kids. I can’t really say David covers “Billy Jean” by Michael Jackson because there’s really no resemblance to the original song. He basically goes all Emo all over Billy Jeans ass. He takes it down to an dark, gritty rock club and blows the crap out of it. I will continue to make fun of his big head and/or a receding hair line to the very end, but I have to give him props. This guy is a star.

The big talents really stepped up tonight and the talentless proved it again. My picks for Bottom 3 this week are Kristy (DUH!) Chikezie and Carly. And God willing (taking time from blessing the USA of course) Kristy will leave us tomorrow night!

Tune in tomorrow, Idol Fans when we dash the hopes of our next Idol loser!

Peace, Love & Good Song Choice,
Kristi