Greetings Idol Fans!

We made it people!!  We’ve lasted through another season of auditions and elimination rounds and really really bad Ford commercials.  And it’s still official, I still have no desire to buy a Focus.  But I do have a desire to find out who our Idol is!  On with the show!

Idol Fashion Fix:  Dude, Ryan is sporting some serious guyliner.  I’m surprised he didn’t finish the look off with some mangloss.  Randy has donned a very snazzy Captain Kangaroo blazer.  Now what would have completed the look is Simon in a pair of green jeans.  

Also as predicted in Idol fashion, the Top 12 take the stage for their ensemble number dressed completely in white.  I wonder if they are preparing the contestants for careers as Good Humor Ice Cream scoopers?  The kids from the other Fox hit “So You Think You Can Dance” join the Idolettes for “Get Ready.”  Honestly I rather watch them… have you seen some of these kids dance?   They can jete all over Achuletta’s ass.

After the break Cooksey takes the stage singing “Hero” by Chad Kroeger.  Archuletta follows laying down some decent backup vocals.  Yeah I think that’s where I like him… in the background.

Not to forsake their commercial whoring, Idol promotes the new Mike Myers movie, The Love Guru.  The Davids not only get to see the movie, they even meet the Guru Pitka himself.  “The Guru” even makes a visit to the Idol stage.  Mike Myers does his best Mike Myers material and proves that sometimes, even recycled jokes can be funny.

After Ryan almost runs off the stage on the electric prayer pillow, Syesha takes the stage.  She performs  “Waiting For You” with Seal.  I think Heidi’s husband decided what key to sing in because Syesha sounded like she was having a little trouble.

Back from commercial, we are then treated to the off-key warblings of Jason Castro. He does his cover of “Hallelujah” from the Semi Final round.  I’ve never seen the dreadhead put so much effort in performing.  It makes me wonder if the Idol producers hid the kid’s stash before the show and held it for ransom.

The girls take the stage in all decked in red (I’m noticing a color block theme this evening) for a Donna Summer homage.  Just when I had enough Donna Summer covers… there appears Donna Summer centerstage.  She performs her new single, which just sounds like another 70’s song that she forgot to release.  But then she redeems herself… she whips out one of the greatest songs of all time (Says me, it’s my favorite Karaoke song) “Last Dance.”  OK, I still love Donna.

Carly Smithson and Michael Johns perform a duet on “The Letter.”  You know, after hearing him sing again, I realize that he’s really not that good.  Carly basically just out sang the leather lapelled tweed jacket off the Aussie.

Jimmy Kimmel is up next to do some Idol stand-up.  He’s so much funnier than his girlfriend, Sarah Silverman.  Although that’s not hard to do.  But that’s a whole other blog rant I might have to go on in the off season.

The guys are up next for their musical number.  it’s starts with a Bryan Adams song so I wonder if the guys ensemb’ will end with yet another celebrity appearance.  Yep there he is… Canada’s answer to John Mellencamp – Bryan Adams.  He must have a new song to promote too.   (on the BMG label, no doubt.)  Yeah, still not a Bryan fan.

David Cook takes the stage with ZZ Top on their 80’s hit “Sharp Dressed Man.”  I feel like both David and the ZZ’s are way bored of this song half way through.  I have to agree with them.

Brooke White got to sing “Teach Your Children Well” with Gram Nash.  The audio team didn’t do something right because she was singing the harmonies too loud. I wasn’t sure if Gram was even singing half the time.  They both weren’t wearing shoes so obviously there is some hippie code going on there.

Did anyone take note of the Guitar Hero commercial starring David Cook?  It was a parody of the scene in “Risky Business” and it was hilarious.  Tom Cruise may have done it first but David Cook did it funnier.   If I didn’t love my Rock Band so much I might have considered getting Guitar Hero just for this commercial.

The Jonas Brothers are on stage next.  That’s all I’m going to say about that…. OK one more thing what’s with the uni-brow on all 3 of them?  OK now I’m done.

Ah, a walk down memory lane is up next with a little footage of the Bad and the Ugly.  And then…. he was there.. adorned in his white feathers and silver lame…and accompanied by the USC marching band.  Renaldo Lapuz and “I Am Your Brother.”  Renaldo, you are our brother and our conversation tomorrow at the watercooler.

It’s time for another band to hock their wares.  One Republic sings their hit single, “Apologize.”   It’s so Yanni meets Daniel Powter inbred with Coldplay.  And then it get worse… Archie walks on stage to sing the second verse.  If I was the guy from One Republic and this was my one hit wonder, I don’t know I’d give half of it to Achuletta and then try to out sing him.

The current American Idol Jordan Sparks is back to sing her new song”One Day At A Time.” It’s alright.  Nothing stellar.   Now, I love Jordan, but what is up with the Gold Lame 1950’s housewife frock?  It’s like Mrs Cleaver meets Showgirls.

Ok the Gladys Knight spoof with Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr was hilarious.  That’s going to be a web video classic.

Carrie Underwood rocks the joint with a little twang on her new single “Last Name.”  Huge voice, hot as hell and legs that go for miles….HATE HER!!!

Ok I take back the whole I might buy a Guitar Hero because of the David Cook commercial.  They just aired it with David Archuletta.  Yeah I’m sticking to Rock Band, dang it.

Note to everyone… this is the longest Idol Recap I have ever had to write and we still have 20 minutes!!!  Hang in fans!

One last time for America, it’s our Top 12.  The girls start first with a little “Faith” from George Michael.  The guys come out next looking like Men In Black rejects on another GM song, “Father Figure.”  And then the kids launch into “Freedom” from GM.  OK so at this point, you know he has to be near.  And then… WHAM!  George descends the stairs for his new single.  I absolutely love George, but I have to question the old Jewish man from Boca eye-wear.   His song is slow and sad. It’s more of a Idol Gives Back moment, instead of a finale.  Way to bring down the Idol celebration George.

We’re finally here.  The Davids stand center stage each with massive amounts of guyliner.  The judges get to ramble one last time.  Some British guys comes out to validate the results and then the lights go down.

Our new American Idol is…  DAVID COOK!!!!  YYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! All is right in the world once again!  Awe, DC starts to cry… no don’t smear the guyliner dude!! After a bit of shock and awe, David now has to begin his duties as Idol and sing the corny Idol single, “This is The Time Of My Life.” Ain’t commercialism a b!tch?

So there you have it  Idol Fans.  Season 7 has come and gone. We’ve crowned a winner and now have another 11 pseudo-celebrities out to milk their 15 minutes.   But not to fret dear Blather readers for come January ‘09 we get to start the process all over again. God Bless Fox and God Bless America.

See you next year, Idol Fans!

Peace, Love & Instant Celebrity,
Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

Well this is it. It’s the finale of the big show. It’s the battle of David². Well more like David 1 1/2. HA!! On with the show!

So here the breakdown of the night. Because he basically owns everything Idol and I really wouldn’t want to piss him off, Clive Davis, the BMG Music mogul will choose the first song. Then the Top 2 Idol Kids get to select a song from the finalists of the Idol Songwriting competition. Yeah you know what that means… 2 inspirational “I believe I can fly if I dream if I keep faith alive if I don’t vomit first” songs. Then to close the competition, the Davids get to each select a song on their own. So call me crazy, but I see the apparent absence of a “Idol Single.” Where’s my “Moment Like This” or my “This is My Now”? Hmmm, could that be the reason Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber was lurking in the video footage?

David Cook
Clive Song: “Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”
Looking fresh ‘do died in a lovely hue of red, he puts his Cook magic all over it. It’s good but not as mesmerizing as some of his earlier work.

Idol Songwriters: “Dream Big”
He brought out the lefty guitar for this one. He rocks it pretty hard. I feel like I could have heard that on the sound track for a Legally Blonde 3 movie.

Idol Choice: “The World I Know”
I have the give the rocker props for matching his red tie and guitar strap with his snazzy red cowboy boots. He does an amazing cover of the Collective Soul song. He really put everything he had in it and it showed.

David Archuletta
Clive Song: “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me”
Thankfully for the little one, Clive picked and easy listening staple to help put us all asleep. I mean the kid can sing, but can we give him something contemporary (without incurring song royalties?) Oh good lord not the single spotlight. Oh no, not he’s going into a gospel bounce. Dear David, you… are… white. Love, IdolBlather.

Idol Songwriters: “In This Moment”
Surprise… he picks a ballad. But doesn’t he look just sweet in his tiny blazer with the anchor on it? The judges keep giving the rounds to the garden gnome. Personally I think every song he sings is starting to sound the same. Maybe it’s just because his voice tortures me so.

Idol Choice: “Imagine”
The little hobbit selects a song that not only did he do earlier this season, but also one of his staples that he’s sung on many a Utah morning show as a kid. He’s so emphatic with his “You might say I’m a Dream-ER” it’s so annoying. He even went a bit flat on his big ending but it’s still probably good enough to get him the Idol crown.

So according to our esteemed judges (and the producers that tell them to say it) Little Archie is the Idol. I for one, hope that all the viewers more than 6 months past puberty join together and vote for DC.

So who will it be Idol Fans? Who has earned America’s love? Tune in tomorrow for our Finale!!!

Peace Love & Record Deals,

Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

This is it… the last stop before the finale and the crushing of the dreams of yet another. But first we have some business to take care of…

Yep, it’s the ensemble number… which I guess is just a trio at this point. They do their cabaret best on “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now.” Unfortunately for one of them… the 56 Million votes from last night will be stopping them later tonight.

Ooooo, they almost had me. They stuck it in right after the ensemble to confuse me. Thankfully this is the next to last Ford Commercial I’ll have to comment on this season. The kids do a homage to MTV “Cribs” with their cover of “Heaven.” I just want to know what crackhead at Ford considers it “making it” by having a fleet of Ford Fusions. Man, if it ain’t good enough for 50 Cent, it ain’t good enough for me!

Roll the recap reel, Ryan!

Former Idol star Fantasia takes the stage to scream her new song “Bore Me.” OK tell me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t Grace Jones like 25 years ago? She gospel shuffled her way across the stage screaming a few lines of lyrics throwing in a booty thrust for good measure. Her performance was certainly interesting. I think Simon’s face said it all. We’ve just been the victim of a drive-by Ronald McDonald drag queen!

So we begin the process…

David Archuleta
When your hometown trip reel began, I thought you were the biggest Gomer in Utah. But then… when you cried at your own appearance…you really convinced me of it. I just have one questions, what’s up with your Mayor’s mustach? Anyhoo, who knows why people voted for a Mayor with that facial hair, but we do know why people voted for you (even it is against my better judgement)

Syesha Mercado
You Sarasota Sex Kitten, you cried at your appearance too. But it’s cool, you’re a girl and not a garden gnome. You were so popular in your hometown, you got the Mayor to do a handstand. But have you done enough to send American head over heels for you?

David Cook
Evidently your home town of Kansas City, MO is Hooked on Cook. But then again, who isn’t? There must be something in the water at Idol, because even our tough rocker dude teared up at his homecoming. I guess filling a stadium with fans would make anyone misty. Did you do enough to cry more tears of joy tonight?

After the break, we have just enough time to announce our Idol Finalists and for someone’s swansong. And as predicted, the pretty swan singing farewell tonight is Syesha.

Good luck our sassy Girl Fro’d cutie. Alas, your time on Idol has come to an end. Your beauty and gregarious ways were matched by none. So stand proud, young girl, for you made it through your awkward first weeks to rank #3 this season. A feat only duplicated by, uh, well someone every season.

Next week, the finals!!!!

Peace, Love & A New Idol Single,

Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

There’s only a week until we name our new American Idol and there’s a lot on the line for our Idol hopefuls. Tonight is where we pick our Top 2 and separate the men from the girl going home. Oh like you don’t think that’s going to happen too! Anyhoo, on to the show! The kids get 3 songs tonight so it’s on tonight.

Fashion Fix — Paula looks like a mutant superhero from a sequin factory.

David Archuleta
Judges Choice: Paula – “And So It Goes” by Billy Joel
Ooooo, he broke out the leather Members Only jacket for this special occasion. He made it sound like something from an animated movie soundtrack but one that makes you really really sleepy.

Idol Choice: “With You” by Chris Brown
I wish someone would tell this kid that he is a white boy from the Utah and not an R&B ingenue from the streets. He must be having an identity crisis. You know if all anyone tells you is that you’re brillant and amazing, you probably begin to believe it even if you’re sooo unassuming.

Producers Choice: “Longer” by Dan Fogleberg
Uh, can I just hurl now, or do I have to wait until the end of the song? He is so nasally that if the kid got sinusitis it would basically ruin his career.

Syesha Mercado
Judges Choice: “If I Ain’t Got You” by Alicia Keys
She looked like a Dream Girl but I think her dress was a bit dreamier than her performance. She did well but it was predictable.

Idol Choice: “Fever” by Peggy Lee
You know, I think our little starlet is getting a bit of an ego. I think she’s trying to be all sultry and sexy, but I just felt like I was watching a “Broadway Lite” audition.

Producers Choice: “Hit Me Up” by Rihanna
It was fun little ditty from the movie “Happy Feet” but I don’t think Syesha will be very happy with the performance. She tried, but ended up sounding like a time filler performer on the Nick Kids Choices Awards.

David Cook
Judges Choice: “First Time Ever I Saw You Face” by Roberta Flack
OK, so I was sure Simon was trying to set our balding rocker up for failure. But Holy Hair Volumizer! The dude rocked the Lite FM right off of it! This guy could sing a fart and make it sound good.

Idol Choice: “Dare You To Move” by Switchfoot
It’s a great song but I don’t think it made me move that much. I expected better.

Producers Choice: “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith
OMG, I think I might need to hurl for the second time tonight. I hate this song! I think David does too. I think the Idol Producers tried to set him up too. Ha ha to them. He rocked it again.

So that is our Top 3. So who will be in the finals and face the final Ford commercial and who faces elimination? Although I have to wonder which fate is worse. Tune in tomorrow night to find out!

Peace, Love & Song Choice,

Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

Our Idol kids keep dwindling in numbers and here we are at the final 4.  Who knew crushing peoples dreams would be so dang fun!?!?

We start the show, of course, with the group number “Bringing In The Eaves.” OK, so I don’t know what eaves are, but I know this is so lame. 4 people don’t make for a really super engaging ensemble. Let’s face it, The Spice Girls (post Ginger) they ain’t.

Ryan does his boring recap that fills up about 5 minutes.  Honestly, they should just read IdolBlather on air. 

On to the Results.

David Archuleta
You again broke out the pleather members only jacket for this momentous occasion. Maybe some day you can afford the real leather one… you’re safe.

Filler time! Idol sent the kids to Vegas for a little fun and lots of promotional appearances. They got a private plane and a fan fair as they went to see Cirque du Soleil. All you need is love… and some really good sponsors.

David Cook
I wonder just how much effort goes into looking that dirty. I have another week to ponder, you’re safe.

So we’re left with Jason Castro & Syesha Mercado.  But hey we have another like 40 minutes of show to fill, so lets extend their suffering.

Dang!  They sneak it in on me every week!!  Just when I’ve gotten past the first commercial break and I’ve just about forgotten, there it is.  That Ford commercial.  This week the Idolettes are Matadors in a creepy “Ring Of Fire” cover.  I’m sorry but there is no frickin’ way 20 something Idols should be singing Johnny Cash to a bunch of 14 year olds.  The cosmos is seriously unaligned right now.

Well he couldn’t keep a record contract, but Taylor Hicks gets his own postal stamp.  I suppose having your face stuck on a thousand cable bills and birthday cards is almost as good as selling millions of albums.  <AHEM>

Time wasting Q&A. David Cook gets a date in Pittsburgh. Jason has to overcome a dead brain, Syesha gets reminded that she’s the only girl, Simon wants to get knighted and be the next James Bond. Riveting…. really…
The special guest Maroon 5 takes the stage. That guy’s voice is so high, I swear he’s still waiting for the left one to drop. Maybe the pants are too tight and contorting his junk in weird ways.

Bo Bice is back to sing a new song that I think is called “Witness” (he says it like 37,ooo times.) About half way through I realized that I was having a conversation over it which means it was less than engaging.  It’s only when he broke out the talk box when I snapped out of my indifference with a emphatic…. What the *&#$!!!???!  Does Peter Frampton know this dude stole his shtick?” I know he’s being all true to himself, but the whole southern rock thing is so 30 years ago.

Thankfully, I think we are officially out of filler materials so we’re on to the final results.

Syesha and Jason are back center stage. Ryan rambles through their recaps from last night. The kids ramble a bit and Ryan lets the Idol Axe fall. And Jason is leaving us tonight! Oh thank the Idol gods!

So long Jason!  Your big blue eyes and ratty hair have run it’s course on this Idol stage.  But worry not, our idiot toker friend.  For if this music thing doesn’t work out for you, you can always get a job as a brushless carwash.  Besides, who knows!  Hackie Sacks may become an extreme sport in the Olympics.

Peace, Love & A Really Good Conditioner,

Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

After a week long hiatus (yes I know you missed me my Idol darlings) I’m back with vengence and a couple of snide comments!!   It’s down to the top 4 people, this is the big time now!

On to the show!

David Cook

First Song:  Out of all the rock and roll hits in all the world, DC chooses “Hungry Like The Wolf” by Duran Duran.  Now I’m all for a little Simon Lebone, but seriously?  It’s the least original I’ve ever heard him.  I do have a bigger problem with the balding one this week.  Some little girl screamed at the top of her lungs “I Love You David” and the best he coudl do was to look down his nose and smirk?

Second Song:  So when they said he was singing “Baba O’Reily by the Who, I think, “Awesome, the dude is going to rock it.”  So I wait for the intro… starts slow, so I wait for more… huh, still sort of dull.  The middle must be going to blow the roof off… so I wait… yeah, no, not so much.  I don’t understand, how could a self proclaimed rocker, just leave a classic by the Who just sort of hanging there?   Ah well, I don’t think CSI:Miami will be calling him anytime soon for a guest appearance.

Syesha Mercado

First Song: So as the only female left in this circus, she really has to bring something.  Unfortunately she decides to cover the Tina Turner classic”Proud Mary.”  So she starts out pretty strong on the intro, but…. wait… oh god she did it…. she did the Tina swim!  Proud Mary please help us, she did the Tina swim.

Second Song: She took the stage looking like a tall creamcicle with some serious boobage for “Change Is Gonna Come” by Sam Cook.  She’s got a big big voice, and tonight she showed it.  I will forgive her for the Tina Swim move earlier.

Jason Castro

First Song:  Thankfully for the dreded one, Bob Marley had a major hit with”I Shot The Sheriff.”  Oh please some one shoot me.  This is terrible.  Pronounciation question… what exactly is a Cher-Raff? Because that’s what this toker dude was singing.  I mean I know what a SHERIFF is, but never heard of a CHERAFF.  Oh well, obviously Jason doesn’t know what a sheriff or a good performance is.  Man that was a bigger mess than his hair.

Second Song:  Just when I didn’t think he could get any worse, he does. He butchers the Bob Dylan classic, “Mr Tamborine Man.”  He forgot the friggin’ words!?!?!  We’re in the final days of the show and he forgets his words??  Children… this is Jason… this is Jason on drugs… don’t be Jason.

David Archuletta

First Song: The little elf chose “Stand By Me” for his first performance.  Of course he did.  I wish someone would actually step ON him.  The kid is killing me with his white boy attempt at soul.  He even through a little Sean King “Beautiful Girls” in there for good measure. The judges were obviously reminded to praise the peas and carrots out of him because Randy and Paula really laid the compliments on thicker than Simon’s chest hair.  I’m starting a new movement.  I’m calling it Vote For Anyone But Archuletta!

Second Song:  So he decided to capitalize on the hormonal swoonings of all the pre-pubescent girls in the audience and sing yet another slow song, “Love Me Tender” by Elvis Presley.  I have to hand it to the little tyke and the producers… they really know how to smear it on.

And that, Idol Fans, is our Top 4. Only 2 weeks left before we name our new American Idol.  So who will it be?

Tune in tomorrow night to find out!

Peace, Love & Fame,

Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

Well we’re half way through the big show journey to our next American Idol. The Top 6 performed last night but only the Top 5 will survive. Ooooh, that sort of sounds like one of those wrestling cage matches. Dude, I would soooo pay to see David Archuleta catapulted from the stage by John Cena.

I have to admit, I like this starting the show with group number… it gets it out of the way. The kids do their ensemble number “All I Ask Of You” accompanied by the Lord Andrew, himself. Thankfully it lacked all the Busch Gardens show cheese, and just focused on the song.

So we recap the performances and then Ryan welcomes ALW to the stage for a little one-on-one interview time. They talk about the Brooke debacle and Jason’s most unusual song choice. He keeps it encouraging. The guy is gifted and gracious. See, Simon, Brits can be nice!

I’ve been tricked!!! I have come accustom to dreading the first commercial break but they slipped it in on me after the second break! Cheeky Idol producers. It’s Ford commercial time! The kids do a creepy cover of “Tainted Love” with scary makeup and freaky outfits. I think Brooke’s head is being swallowed by a renegade Dolly Parton wig.

And now a word from our leader. No not Nigel Lithgow… President and First Lady Bush! They bring up Idol Gives Back and want to donate 60-some million dollars. I assume he wants us to donate it… I doubt it would actually come from the oil companies.

Well we’re now down to point where I must retire the words, “Bottom 3.” But fear not my Blather followers, I now introduce for the first time this season… “BOTTOM 2.” Don’t worry, Merriam Webster’s has my adjective request for this one too.

On to the results!

Ryan calls David Cook and Archuleta to center stage. OMG, can they put muzzles on all the teenie boppers screaming like hormonal banshees. Yes, he’s little, yes he can sing, yes he’s a huge dork but CLAM IT! Once the pods of pre-pubescence calm down, Ryan wastes a few minutes and prolongs the suspense by asking the Davids a few questions. They ramble on…I wonder what I’m going to wear tomorrow…and then Ryan sends them to the safe couch.

Since this was a week of musical theater, we check in with some former Idols who have been on the Great White Way. Diana DeGarmo was in Hair Spray (she’s now at the 7 11 in Decatur) Fantasia was in The Color Purple (when she actually showed up,) Lakesha Jones is in it now, Tamyra Gray is in Rent (well just until September) and Clay Aiken is in Spamalot (yeah, uh, I’m rushing out for tickets on that one.) <Read sarcastic tone here>

It’s performance time. The guest tonight is evidently a creation of Simon’s. He toots his own horn about how she’s the biggest thing right now and how he discovered her and how ENORMOUS his ego is. It’s only when they introduce her that I realize who Leona Lewis is. She performs her hit single”Bleeding Love.” (Love that song!) The girl sounded amazing and wasn’t even lip synching! No wonder Simon is so proud. She’s so good they even giver her flames on stage. Wow, even Mariah didn’t get any pyro.

Back to the results.

Syesha and Brooke are next pair to come out on stage. Brooke looks down right certifiable. Ryan gets them to ramble on a bit. Brooke is safe. Syesha is our first “Bottom 2.”

After the break, Carly and Jason join Ryan on the stage. They ramble again. Ryan is really good at wasting time. I never realized it before, must be all the days spent waiting for his highlights to take. Oh anyway, Jason is safe and Carly rounds out our “Bottom 2.”

OK so I am TOTALLY not hearing what other people are hearing. I know someone who had a good night would have to end up here, but definitely not these two. It’s official… Jason is now my Sanjaya albatross.

The girls get to sing one more time and prove that America is obviously smoking a really bad crack. Carly sings and rocks the shroud off again on “Jesus Christ Superstar.” The girl undoubtedly has pipes. Syesha sings and even though she’s sassy, she almost feels resigned. I guess after being in the Bottom 3 almost every week, the girl just doesn’t know what to do make America love her. Not to worry too much Syesha, evidently you had enough love to last yet another week.

Carly, is leaving us tonight.

Huh, I don’t know what to say. We knew someone had to go but I’m not sure I was ready for Carly to go just yet. But alas… farewell Irish lass, farewell! You had the look, the pipes, and the Idol producers to get you on the show. Unfortunately, the 300 people who bought your album the first time, just couldn’t keep you on the show any longer.

We name our Top 4 next week!

Peace, Love & Show Tunes,
Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

Happy Earth Day everyone! Be kind, rewind… no wait… Recycle, Reuse. Yeah that’s it. Take care of Mother Earth, people!!!

On with the show…

In a twist tonight, the Idol band is on the stage..string section and all. Well after all, it is Andrew Lloyd Webber week. The musical genius Brit has been the driving force to bring some of Broadway most memorable shows and songs to life. Heck, we should have costumes and lighting arrangements and falling enormous chandeliers!
Syesha Mercado
The girl fro’d one starts the show with a sassy cover of “One Rock & Roll Too Many” from Starlight Express. Hey, where are the roller skates? She lights up the stage like a star showing loads of personality and tons of talent.
Jason Castro
OK so he’s in a suit, but forgot to iron it but he still remembered the white shoes. He attempts to work his magical mystical toker ways on “Memory.” All I can hope it that I will soon forget his performance. I’ve heard actual cats sing it better.

Brooke White
ALW made her practically cry during her session for “You Must Love Me.” She practically made me cry when she stopped her performance when she forgot her words. I give the gypsy girl props for trying such a strong and passionate song, but I think it was a bit to much for her.
David Archuleta
He perform one of my favorite songs,”Think Of Me” from one of my favorite shows of all time,Phantom of the Opera. He’s got a long way to impress me. He does a easy listening cover that the little elf obviously didn’t arrange himself. It’s good to be the ringer. He forgot the words, mumbled a few bars, but somehow managed to still gain the love of the judges(except Simon) and most definitely not mine.

Carly Smithson
She started with a ballad from Phantom and luckily ALW stepped in with “Jesus Christ Superstar.” Holy Hippie Bible Musical!! She’s blew the sandals of it. Props to ALW for probably saving her butt from the Bottom 3. Amen.

David Cook
OK this was a tricky one. He took on “Music of the Night” from Phantom. This is one of the best known and most beloved songs EVER to echo through the halls of Broadway, so to miss any one of the notes in this could be fatal. Luckily he passed on the rocker edge, and sang it pure and powerful. It was so good, I’m not even going to make fun of his hair.

And that’s the Top 6! Luckily for us and for Andrew Lloyd Webber, no one completely butchered his genius. So Idol Fans who will get to stand center-stage and who will be exiting stage left? Tune in tomorrow as we name our Top 5!!

Peace, Love & Music of the Night,

Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

It’s Axe Wednesday and Ryan and his pretty faux hawk are back to squash the dream of another Idol darling harder than Mariahs nuggets in a tube top.

We waste no time and launch right into the theme park segment of the show with the ensemble number. The kids give their best inspirational cheese on “One Sweet Day.” Everybody do the Mariah Gospel Hand!

Ryan goes through the Performances recap. Yeah we got that… we already ready my last recap… So let’s bring the kids out one by one.

Jason Castro – You have a thing for white shoes before Labor Day, that frankly I just don’t understand. Ryan sends you to the right but not to the safe couches…it’s more of an Idol purgatory.

David Cook - Ryan tries to get you talk about your brother who’s battling cancer and the reason you teared up last night, but you’ve already taken the course “How Not To Cry Even if Barbara Walters Interviews You For Celebrities” at Hollywood Community College. Thwarted, Ryan sends you to the left into yet another pod of Idol Purgatory.

Carly Smithson - You’re trying a new prep school matron look that I can respect. However the huge tatty sleeve you’re sporting just makes you look like a pin up in the Harley Davidson Naughty School Girl Calendar. You go stage left with Jason.

Kristy Lee Cook - You called Simon a butt. I think it’s the first thing that’s come out of your mouth that I actually enjoyed. Don’t let it happen again. Go join David on the left.

Oh I’ve been waiting for this for 30 minutes. It’s Ford Commercial time! The kids cover “I Want To Break Free” by Queen and do a very weird office cube puppet thing. Oh that is so 2000 people…uh, N’Sync did that their video for “Bye Bye Bye.” And uh, yes I know my N’Sync videos, I accept my boy band addiction!

Former Idol contestant from Season 5, Elliot Yamin takes the stage to perform “Free.” Who knew a tiny white guy could have that much soul. At the end of the performance, he raises his hand to show a handwritten “WE MISS YOU MOM” in honor of his mom who passed away earlier this month. It’s a good moment.

Back to the results,

Syesha Mercado – I don’t know what exactly is going on with your hair tonight. It’s half girl ‘fro, half limp Mohawk. Did Sanjaya mug you backstage? It gonna be alright now, you go join Jason and Carly on the right.

Brooke White – You start the waterworks if you lose an eyelash and don’t make a wish. Grab a Kleenex and join David and Kristy in the left group.

Back from the break, it’s time for the weekly “Suck the time and life right out of me Q/A” segment. I try to pay attention but all I hear is Kristy and a horse and if David Cook is single. Sounds perverted… almost makes me wish I paid attention… almost.

This week’s mentor takes stage next. Mariah enters the stage in a what I can only describe as a black lycra sausage casing. Seriously, not much more Mimi could actually fit into that dress! In fact it looks like girls are about to pop out of the sides. Whatever you do Mariah… don’t sneeze! She’s sings one of her new songs that sounds like she’s half singing half whisper rambling. It’s not a song, it’s a conversation to track beat. Buh Bye, Buh Bye, Buh Bye… Can’t you just sing that Christmas song? At least I know that has a real melody.

After the break, the stage is set like this… on the left we have David Cook, Kristy Lee Cook, and Brooke White. On the right we have Syesha Mercado, Carly Smithson and Jason Castro. Ryan calls David Archuleta to the stage.

David Archuleta - I wish you would tell me when Members Only Jacket came back in. You’ve got a week to let me know because you’re safe.

Ryan makes David Cook and Syesha switch groups and then he asks David Archuleta to stand with the group he thinks is safe. David sits in the middle of stage… I’m not sure if he’s just trying to be PC, or if that request was just too much for his little unassuming brain to process. Ryan gives him a few hints before just sending the group of David Cook, Jason and Carly to center-stage to pick the little gomer up. They’re all safe. Which means Syesha, Kristy and Brooke… you are so “Bottom 3.”

After the break, Ryan pardons Syesha and leaves Brooke and Kristy center-stage. The judges ramble a bit and then Ryan lets the Idol axe fall. And tonight… Kristy is leaving us. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! <insert funky elimination dance here> OK I know that’s mean, but if I wanted to spend my Tuesday nights listening to mediocre karaoke I’d go to Sing Sing Karaoke Bar in the East Village.

So fare-the-well, fair Kristy Lee. You lost your best horse and your dreams of stardom. You and the Idol Producers all thought this was your time to shine. Oh fair Kristy… let’s be honest , the two record labels that dropped your blonde ass can’t be wrong.

Peace, Love & Iron Clad Record Deals,

Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!!

After a week of traveling about the country and a bout with bronchitis, I’m back to give the Idol kids hell. However, with the departure of Michael Johns last week, I may be too ecstatic to be mean. No wait, Kristy Lee Cook is still on…I think I got a little mean left in me.

OK so Idol got rid of the guest judges, but just can’t seem to let go of the whole mentor thing. I guess there are too many artists with albums and products to hock. Anyway, tonight’s mentor is none other than butterfly clad Mariah Carey. She’s finally fully recovered from her Glitter debacle and newly svelte, just in time to sell her new album, “E=MC2.”

On with the show!

David Archuleta

The short stack packed his little unassuming self into a pair of leather pants and covers “When You Believe.” OK, David wearing leather pants is about as natural as Simon wearing a turtleneck, Paula being sober and Randy not dropping names. The judges liked his performance but I just fell asleep and had nightmares about Bilbo Baggins in an S&M outfit.

Carly Smithson

Carly finally embraces her diva-dom with a purple frock cut “down to there” and comes out belting on “I Can’t Live.” The judges of course do the inevitable comparison. But dude, you made her sing a Mariah song. None-the-less, I think Idol can’t live with her another week.

Syesha Mercado

Looking like a gold lame siren on “Vanishing.” OK I knew the girl could sing, but where the heck did those pipes come from. That run in the middle went on for miles! The judges again compare her performance to Mariah. Hello? You made her sing Mariah. She didn’t have a choice.

Brooke White

Missed her sister’s wedding. She covers “Hero” in a singer/songwriter smokey lounge way. I kind of wish she’d left the piano back stage on this one. I think it got in the way of her vocals. The judges compare her performance to Mariah. (Anyone noticing a pattern?) But people, you made her sing Mariah!

Kristy Lee Cook

The annoying girl next door, does her best Nashville twang on “Forever” OMG, the judge actually don’t compare her to Mariah! Maybe because it was such bad karaoke that there really was no comparison. Paula rambles on about legacy and both kinds of music… country and western.

David Cook

He does the whole rocker cover of “Always Be My Baby”and makes it sound like a stalker theme song. Does anyone notice that he sort of sounds like that lead singer of Hootie & The Blowfish? Randy liked it because he gave him the first Randy Standing O of the season. Paula and Simon felt the love too. So much that it made the budding rockstar tear up. Well either that or the blood pressure meds are wreaking havoc on his hormones.

Jason Castro

The locked one finishes up the show with a beatnik/tribal fusion on “I Don’t Want To Cry.” It was original and definitely worthy of one of those off-brand compilations of smooth jazz CDs that you find at a street fairs. You know like “Muzak Presents: Smokey Jams.”

And the Top 7 have once again placed their fates in our hands. Don’t you just love redial? So which Idol will be America’s “Dream Lover” and who will say farewell “One Sweet Day?” Tune in tomorrow night and find out!!

Peace, Love & 5 Octives,
Kristi