Greetings Idol Fans!

This is it… the last stop before the finale and the crushing of the dreams of yet another. But first we have some business to take care of…

Yep, it’s the ensemble number… which I guess is just a trio at this point. They do their cabaret best on “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now.” Unfortunately for one of them… the 56 Million votes from last night will be stopping them later tonight.

Ooooo, they almost had me. They stuck it in right after the ensemble to confuse me. Thankfully this is the next to last Ford Commercial I’ll have to comment on this season. The kids do a homage to MTV “Cribs” with their cover of “Heaven.” I just want to know what crackhead at Ford considers it “making it” by having a fleet of Ford Fusions. Man, if it ain’t good enough for 50 Cent, it ain’t good enough for me!

Roll the recap reel, Ryan!

Former Idol star Fantasia takes the stage to scream her new song “Bore Me.” OK tell me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t Grace Jones like 25 years ago? She gospel shuffled her way across the stage screaming a few lines of lyrics throwing in a booty thrust for good measure. Her performance was certainly interesting. I think Simon’s face said it all. We’ve just been the victim of a drive-by Ronald McDonald drag queen!

So we begin the process…

David Archuleta
When your hometown trip reel began, I thought you were the biggest Gomer in Utah. But then… when you cried at your own appearance…you really convinced me of it. I just have one questions, what’s up with your Mayor’s mustach? Anyhoo, who knows why people voted for a Mayor with that facial hair, but we do know why people voted for you (even it is against my better judgement)

Syesha Mercado
You Sarasota Sex Kitten, you cried at your appearance too. But it’s cool, you’re a girl and not a garden gnome. You were so popular in your hometown, you got the Mayor to do a handstand. But have you done enough to send American head over heels for you?

David Cook
Evidently your home town of Kansas City, MO is Hooked on Cook. But then again, who isn’t? There must be something in the water at Idol, because even our tough rocker dude teared up at his homecoming. I guess filling a stadium with fans would make anyone misty. Did you do enough to cry more tears of joy tonight?

After the break, we have just enough time to announce our Idol Finalists and for someone’s swansong. And as predicted, the pretty swan singing farewell tonight is Syesha.

Good luck our sassy Girl Fro’d cutie. Alas, your time on Idol has come to an end. Your beauty and gregarious ways were matched by none. So stand proud, young girl, for you made it through your awkward first weeks to rank #3 this season. A feat only duplicated by, uh, well someone every season.

Next week, the finals!!!!

Peace, Love & A New Idol Single,

Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

It’s Axe Wednesday and Ryan and his pretty faux hawk are back to squash the dream of another Idol darling harder than Mariahs nuggets in a tube top.

We waste no time and launch right into the theme park segment of the show with the ensemble number. The kids give their best inspirational cheese on “One Sweet Day.” Everybody do the Mariah Gospel Hand!

Ryan goes through the Performances recap. Yeah we got that… we already ready my last recap… So let’s bring the kids out one by one.

Jason Castro - You have a thing for white shoes before Labor Day, that frankly I just don’t understand. Ryan sends you to the right but not to the safe couches…it’s more of an Idol purgatory.

David Cook - Ryan tries to get you talk about your brother who’s battling cancer and the reason you teared up last night, but you’ve already taken the course “How Not To Cry Even if Barbara Walters Interviews You For Celebrities” at Hollywood Community College. Thwarted, Ryan sends you to the left into yet another pod of Idol Purgatory.

Carly Smithson - You’re trying a new prep school matron look that I can respect. However the huge tatty sleeve you’re sporting just makes you look like a pin up in the Harley Davidson Naughty School Girl Calendar. You go stage left with Jason.

Kristy Lee Cook - You called Simon a butt. I think it’s the first thing that’s come out of your mouth that I actually enjoyed. Don’t let it happen again. Go join David on the left.

Oh I’ve been waiting for this for 30 minutes. It’s Ford Commercial time! The kids cover “I Want To Break Free” by Queen and do a very weird office cube puppet thing. Oh that is so 2000 people…uh, N’Sync did that their video for “Bye Bye Bye.” And uh, yes I know my N’Sync videos, I accept my boy band addiction!

Former Idol contestant from Season 5, Elliot Yamin takes the stage to perform “Free.” Who knew a tiny white guy could have that much soul. At the end of the performance, he raises his hand to show a handwritten “WE MISS YOU MOM” in honor of his mom who passed away earlier this month. It’s a good moment.

Back to the results,

Syesha Mercado - I don’t know what exactly is going on with your hair tonight. It’s half girl ‘fro, half limp Mohawk. Did Sanjaya mug you backstage? It gonna be alright now, you go join Jason and Carly on the right.

Brooke White - You start the waterworks if you lose an eyelash and don’t make a wish. Grab a Kleenex and join David and Kristy in the left group.

Back from the break, it’s time for the weekly “Suck the time and life right out of me Q/A” segment. I try to pay attention but all I hear is Kristy and a horse and if David Cook is single. Sounds perverted… almost makes me wish I paid attention… almost.

This week’s mentor takes stage next. Mariah enters the stage in a what I can only describe as a black lycra sausage casing. Seriously, not much more Mimi could actually fit into that dress! In fact it looks like girls are about to pop out of the sides. Whatever you do Mariah… don’t sneeze! She’s sings one of her new songs that sounds like she’s half singing half whisper rambling. It’s not a song, it’s a conversation to track beat. Buh Bye, Buh Bye, Buh Bye… Can’t you just sing that Christmas song? At least I know that has a real melody.

After the break, the stage is set like this… on the left we have David Cook, Kristy Lee Cook, and Brooke White. On the right we have Syesha Mercado, Carly Smithson and Jason Castro. Ryan calls David Archuleta to the stage.

David Archuleta - I wish you would tell me when Members Only Jacket came back in. You’ve got a week to let me know because you’re safe.

Ryan makes David Cook and Syesha switch groups and then he asks David Archuleta to stand with the group he thinks is safe. David sits in the middle of stage… I’m not sure if he’s just trying to be PC, or if that request was just too much for his little unassuming brain to process. Ryan gives him a few hints before just sending the group of David Cook, Jason and Carly to center-stage to pick the little gomer up. They’re all safe. Which means Syesha, Kristy and Brooke… you are so “Bottom 3.”

After the break, Ryan pardons Syesha and leaves Brooke and Kristy center-stage. The judges ramble a bit and then Ryan lets the Idol axe fall. And tonight… Kristy is leaving us. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! <insert funky elimination dance here> OK I know that’s mean, but if I wanted to spend my Tuesday nights listening to mediocre karaoke I’d go to Sing Sing Karaoke Bar in the East Village.

So fare-the-well, fair Kristy Lee. You lost your best horse and your dreams of stardom. You and the Idol Producers all thought this was your time to shine. Oh fair Kristy… let’s be honest , the two record labels that dropped your blonde ass can’t be wrong.

Peace, Love & Iron Clad Record Deals,

Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

We’ve come to another night of everything we love best about Idol — cheezy commercials, stupid “Get To Know Me” reels with idols, Simon’s chest hair and dashing the dreams of another Idol dreamer.

Just in case any of you Blather readers are budding “Ar-teests” American Idol Songwriters challenge is back this year. There has to be someone out there that can write a better song than that slop “This Is My Now” from last season. “This is My Now and this is my covering my ears.

Hey everybody! It’s Top 10 Ensemble time! <Feign Excitement Here> The kids do their best high school musical moves on “Right Back To Where We Started From.” It reminds me of those traveling shows that used to come to my grade school. Not much value, but a great way to get out of Social Studies.

After the break, Ryan introduces a video just to pimp the whole iTunes thing again. THe video takes us on a deep and (un)interesting look at the kids recording their songs and hocking iPods, Apple computers and iPhones, oh my.

Ok so Ryan does the regular recap of the night’s performances which is by far not as funny as mine, but whatever. He then brings out each Idolette one by one to face the votes.

Chikezie - You went R&B last night but it wasn’t Vandrossy enough…you’re going to the stools.. You’re Bottom 3.

Brooke - You were the perfect dichotomy of sweet innocent folk singer girl and psycho stalker. Your legions of stalkers kept you in another week.

Carly - You have a fondness for ugly tight jeans and evidently for Spanx. America is still fond of you, you’re safe.

Time to break for the Ford Commercial! Nifty little vid for “I Want You To Want Me” I want Ford to stop wanting these damned time wasters. I’ve been watching these things for 7 years and I still don’t want a Focus.

Back to the show!

David A - If we put you in gray shorts and knee socks, you’d look like Eddie Munster. Right now, you look like someone in the Top 9.

David C - You smug, balding so-and-so. Well keep being smug, America loves you and your Chris Cornell boost.

Syesha - You blasted the rafters with “If I were Your Woman” but evidently the fans aren’t sure about you as their woman. You are Bottom 3.

Michael - Being the selfish and egotistical bastard you are, you just had to sing 2 songs in one night. Well American loved both of them, you’re safe.

After the break, it’s that damned questions from the viewers segment again. Honestly, I purposely stay away from the 15 years in the mall, why must I be subjected their prepubescent inquiries?

Kimberly Locke is up after the break. We learn a little bit about the former Idol star. Like every good singing artist she focuses her talents on a restaurant. Justin did it, Britney did it, JLo did it so obviously pop stars are great culinary talents too. Well who ever she’s got cooking for her, it’s working. She looks great and sounds amazing on her new single, “Fall” in stores (and on the IdolBlather Music Store) now.

More results!

Ramiele - You sort of look like a Bratz Doll hooker tonight but it doesn’t matter, the country still loves you.

Jason and Kristy - You’re the last two Idols to head center-stage. Jason, you did your folk singer thang and batted those 2 big baby blues. Kristy, you went all Miss Teen Patriotic American Pageant with your karaoke cover. The last in our Bottom 3 is… Jason??

WHAT!?!??!?!!!!?!? I’m sorry does that Kristy girl have a pocket full of Get Out Of Jail Free cards or just a really good agent with deep pockets? How does she avoid the Bottom 3 with THAT performance. Idol gives me no joy if I can’t utter the phrase “Kristy, you are sooooo Bottom 3!” Cripes.

So our Bottom 3 this week are, to the amazement of yours truly, Chikezie, Syesha and Jason. Ryan quickly interviews Jason about being in the Bottom 3 and then quickly cuts the dread-locked toker when he starts to ramble by sending him back to the couch safe another week.

Unfortunately, Chikezie couldn’t win the love of enough fans to stick around another week… he’s going home.

Oh dear Chikezie Eze; you dropped your last name in hopes of achieving the success of many of the one named stars out there, Cher, Madonna, Seal, Sting and Weird Al (I know that’s 2 words, but the first is an adjective and doesn’t count) Anyhoo, fear not young Eze, with your talent, and Ryan’s Man Love, you’re bound to go far in Hollywood. And if not, I’m sure there’s always room for a country/R&B brother in Branson. Cowboy Troy, move over!

Peace, Love & Adoring Fans,
Kristi

Greetings Idol Fans!

Being the omnipotent commerical whore that it is, Idol rents out about 30 seconds for a Horton skit in the intro and 2 minutes for some Jim Carey in an elephant suit antics.

OMG HERE IT COMES! They’re lining up…it’s the Top 12 Ensemble performance!! <insert Woo Hoo here> They Six Flags all over some Beatles songs. This is so lame people. I mean Paul is already going through a pretty nasty divorce and having half of his $ 1billion dollar ass handed to him, do we really need to spit in his Earl Grey? Help, I Need Somebody to end this group song.

Sanjaya’s in the audience tonight…guess they needed to bring the talent quotient down about 10 points.

After the break and the mandatory recap, Ryan draws the attention to the kids on the Idol couches awaiting their fates.

Carly, Michael, Jason and Syesha stand up on the back row and one by one he sits them down. Except Syesha. Girl you’re fabulous in your Ford commericals but tonight… you are so “Bottom 3″

(IdolBlather would like to take a moment to welcome back the infamous phrase “Bottom 3.” I am now in my 7 year of petitioning Merriam Webster to recognize it as a legitmate adjective. As in”Girl, you are so “bottom 3.” KEEP THE DREAM ALIVE!)

It wouldn’t be the Idol without it. It probably would be a better Idol without it, but alas, it keeps the show free. Yep, it’s the Ford Commercial and yep, it’s bad.

Before the results, we run a reel of the Idol kids at the “Horton Hears A Who” movie premiere. Yeah, another plug. I know there’s Seuss rhyme in there somewhere.

I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like the Idol Kid Jams. I do not like all the shameless plugs and promos and ads, those network slugs! My Idol should be fun and as for commercials, be only be a few. Instead I’m bombarded with Horton Hears A Who!

Chikezie, Amanda, Kristy and David C are next to stand. Ryan shows Chikezie some more man love and sits him down. Amanda and David are the next to the safety of another week. Kristy is not so lucky and neither are we, because we have to hear her Hee Haw on acid cover of 8 Days Of Week again. Yep, she is SOOOOOO “Bottom 3.”

After the break and a chance to recover from Grand Ole Awful, Idol tries something new to waste more primetime. Ryan takes phone questions from viewers for the Idolettes and Judges. It’s about all I could have hoped for… which is a waste of about 3 minutes of my life. I now realize why I love the fast forward button on my DVR so much.

Time for a musical interlude… starring former Idol star Katherine McPhee. She takes the stage in a dress that I can only describe as a Mariah Carey School for Call Girls uniform. Spitzer would pay good money for her, so I guess it works. She saps all over “Something In The Way She(He) Moves” with David Foster who looks like a angry drunken wedding piano player.

There’s another plug for Horton Hears a Who again, and a self indulgent moment for Jim Carey. I need to call Dr Seuss and see what rhymes with blatant self promotion.

Ryan calls David A, Brooke, David H and Ramiele to centerstage. He starts with the little guy and sends David A and then Brooke back to the couch. Davide H and Ramiele are left hanging for another 30 seconds before Ryan sends Ramiele back to the couch. David H is the first guy to be so “Bottom 3.”

After David’s song and a opportune commercial break, we send one of the losers, uh I mean contestants back to the couch and safety of another week of America’s love. Syesha can breath again, she’s safe. David and Kristy are left and Ryan hands David his walking papers.

So farewell fair David. Idol just wasn’t your thing. You once had dreams of being the King of Idol, unfortunately America just saw you as a Queen of Denial. Ah but fear not my young ‘mo, who knows, one day I bet you’ll be a best Cher impersonator this side of Lucky Changs.

Peace, Love and You Know What I Mean,

Kristi