We made it people!!  We’ve lasted through another season of auditions and elimination rounds and really really bad Ford commercials.  And it’s still official, I still have no desire to buy a Focus.  But I do have a desire to find out who our Idol is!  On with the show!

Idol Fashion Fix:  Dude, Ryan is sporting some serious guyliner.  I’m surprised he didn’t finish the look off with some mangloss.  Randy has donned a very snazzy Captain Kangaroo blazer.  Now what would have completed the look is Simon in a pair of green jeans.  

Also as predicted in Idol fashion, the Top 12 take the stage for their ensemble number dressed completely in white.  I wonder if they are preparing the contestants for careers as Good Humor Ice Cream scoopers?  The kids from the other Fox hit “So You Think You Can Dance” join the Idolettes for “Get Ready.”  Honestly I rather watch them… have you seen some of these kids dance?   They can jete all over Achuletta’s ass.

After the break Cooksey takes the stage singing “Hero” by Chad Kroeger.  Archuletta follows laying down some decent backup vocals.  Yeah I think that’s where I like him… in the background.

Not to forsake their commercial whoring, Idol promotes the new Mike Myers movie, The Love Guru.  The Davids not only get to see the movie, they even meet the Guru Pitka himself.  “The Guru” even makes a visit to the Idol stage.  Mike Myers does his best Mike Myers material and proves that sometimes, even recycled jokes can be funny.

After Ryan almost runs off the stage on the electric prayer pillow, Syesha takes the stage.  She performs  “Waiting For You” with Seal.  I think Heidi’s husband decided what key to sing in because Syesha sounded like she was having a little trouble.

Back from commercial, we are then treated to the off-key warblings of Jason Castro. He does his cover of “Hallelujah” from the Semi Final round.  I’ve never seen the dreadhead put so much effort in performing.  It makes me wonder if the Idol producers hid the kid’s stash before the show and held it for ransom.

The girls take the stage in all decked in red (I’m noticing a color block theme this evening) for a Donna Summer homage.  Just when I had enough Donna Summer covers… there appears Donna Summer centerstage.  She performs her new single, which just sounds like another 70’s song that she forgot to release.  But then she redeems herself… she whips out one of the greatest songs of all time (Says me, it’s my favorite Karaoke song) “Last Dance.”  OK, I still love Donna.

Carly Smithson and Michael Johns perform a duet on “The Letter.”  You know, after hearing him sing again, I realize that he’s really not that good.  Carly basically just out sang the leather lapelled tweed jacket off the Aussie.

Jimmy Kimmel is up next to do some Idol stand-up.  He’s so much funnier than his girlfriend, Sarah Silverman.  Although that’s not hard to do.  But that’s a whole other blog rant I might have to go on in the off season.

The guys are up next for their musical number.  it’s starts with a Bryan Adams song so I wonder if the guys ensemb’ will end with yet another celebrity appearance.  Yep there he is… Canada’s answer to John Mellencamp – Bryan Adams.  He must have a new song to promote too.   (on the BMG label, no doubt.)  Yeah, still not a Bryan fan.

David Cook takes the stage with ZZ Top on their 80’s hit “Sharp Dressed Man.”  I feel like both David and the ZZ’s are way bored of this song half way through.  I have to agree with them.

Brooke White got to sing “Teach Your Children Well” with Gram Nash.  The audio team didn’t do something right because she was singing the harmonies too loud. I wasn’t sure if Gram was even singing half the time.  They both weren’t wearing shoes so obviously there is some hippie code going on there.

Did anyone take note of the Guitar Hero commercial starring David Cook?  It was a parody of the scene in “Risky Business” and it was hilarious.  Tom Cruise may have done it first but David Cook did it funnier.   If I didn’t love my Rock Band so much I might have considered getting Guitar Hero just for this commercial.

The Jonas Brothers are on stage next.  That’s all I’m going to say about that…. OK one more thing what’s with the uni-brow on all 3 of them?  OK now I’m done.

Ah, a walk down memory lane is up next with a little footage of the Bad and the Ugly.  And then…. he was there.. adorned in his white feathers and silver lame…and accompanied by the USC marching band.  Renaldo Lapuz and “I Am Your Brother.”  Renaldo, you are our brother and our conversation tomorrow at the watercooler.

It’s time for another band to hock their wares.  One Republic sings their hit single, “Apologize.”   It’s so Yanni meets Daniel Powter inbred with Coldplay.  And then it get worse… Archie walks on stage to sing the second verse.  If I was the guy from One Republic and this was my one hit wonder, I don’t know I’d give half of it to Achuletta and then try to out sing him.

The current American Idol Jordan Sparks is back to sing her new song”One Day At A Time.” It’s alright.  Nothing stellar.   Now, I love Jordan, but what is up with the Gold Lame 1950’s housewife frock?  It’s like Mrs Cleaver meets Showgirls.

Ok the Gladys Knight spoof with Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr was hilarious.  That’s going to be a web video classic.

Carrie Underwood rocks the joint with a little twang on her new single “Last Name.”  Huge voice, hot as hell and legs that go for miles….HATE HER!!!

Ok I take back the whole I might buy a Guitar Hero because of the David Cook commercial.  They just aired it with David Archuletta.  Yeah I’m sticking to Rock Band, dang it.

Note to everyone… this is the longest Idol Recap I have ever had to write and we still have 20 minutes!!!  Hang in fans!

One last time for America, it’s our Top 12.  The girls start first with a little “Faith” from George Michael.  The guys come out next looking like Men In Black rejects on another GM song, “Father Figure.”  And then the kids launch into “Freedom” from GM.  OK so at this point, you know he has to be near.  And then… WHAM!  George descends the stairs for his new single.  I absolutely love George, but I have to question the old Jewish man from Boca eye-wear.   His song is slow and sad. It’s more of a Idol Gives Back moment, instead of a finale.  Way to bring down the Idol celebration George.

We’re finally here.  The Davids stand center stage each with massive amounts of guyliner.  The judges get to ramble one last time.  Some British guys comes out to validate the results and then the lights go down.

Our new American Idol is…  DAVID COOK!!!!  YYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! All is right in the world once again!  Awe, DC starts to cry… no don’t smear the guyliner dude!! After a bit of shock and awe, David now has to begin his duties as Idol and sing the corny Idol single, “This is The Time Of My Life.” Ain’t commercialism a b!tch?

So there you have it  Idol Fans.  Season 7 has come and gone. We’ve crowned a winner and now have another 11 pseudo-celebrities out to milk their 15 minutes.   But not to fret dear Blather readers for come January ‘09 we get to start the process all over again. God Bless Fox and God Bless America.

See you next year, Idol Fans!

Peace, Love & Instant Celebrity,
Kristi

Well this is it. It’s the finale of the big show. It’s the battle of David². Well more like David 1 1/2. HA!! On with the show!

So here the breakdown of the night. Because he basically owns everything Idol and I really wouldn’t want to piss him off, Clive Davis, the BMG Music mogul will choose the first song. Then the Top 2 Idol Kids get to select a song from the finalists of the Idol Songwriting competition. Yeah you know what that means… 2 inspirational “I believe I can fly if I dream if I keep faith alive if I don’t vomit first” songs. Then to close the competition, the Davids get to each select a song on their own. So call me crazy, but I see the apparent absence of a “Idol Single.” Where’s my “Moment Like This” or my “This is My Now”? Hmmm, could that be the reason Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber was lurking in the video footage?

David Cook
Clive Song: “Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”
Looking fresh ‘do died in a lovely hue of red, he puts his Cook magic all over it. It’s good but not as mesmerizing as some of his earlier work.

Idol Songwriters: “Dream Big”
He brought out the lefty guitar for this one. He rocks it pretty hard. I feel like I could have heard that on the sound track for a Legally Blonde 3 movie.

Idol Choice: “The World I Know”
I have the give the rocker props for matching his red tie and guitar strap with his snazzy red cowboy boots. He does an amazing cover of the Collective Soul song. He really put everything he had in it and it showed.

David Archuletta
Clive Song: “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me”
Thankfully for the little one, Clive picked and easy listening staple to help put us all asleep. I mean the kid can sing, but can we give him something contemporary (without incurring song royalties?) Oh good lord not the single spotlight. Oh no, not he’s going into a gospel bounce. Dear David, you… are… white. Love, IdolBlather.

Idol Songwriters: “In This Moment”
Surprise… he picks a ballad. But doesn’t he look just sweet in his tiny blazer with the anchor on it? The judges keep giving the rounds to the garden gnome. Personally I think every song he sings is starting to sound the same. Maybe it’s just because his voice tortures me so.

Idol Choice: “Imagine”
The little hobbit selects a song that not only did he do earlier this season, but also one of his staples that he’s sung on many a Utah morning show as a kid. He’s so emphatic with his “You might say I’m a Dream-ER” it’s so annoying. He even went a bit flat on his big ending but it’s still probably good enough to get him the Idol crown.

So according to our esteemed judges (and the producers that tell them to say it) Little Archie is the Idol. I for one, hope that all the viewers more than 6 months past puberty join together and vote for DC.

So who will it be Idol Fans? Who has earned America’s love? Tune in tomorrow for our Finale!!!

Peace Love & Record Deals,

Kristi